What a sad song..

"You'll Think Of Me" by Keith Urban

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot BETTER
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been

What we should have been
So...

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
But don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday YOU'RE GONNA THINK OF ME

I believe in dreams.

I believe in sunshine.

I believe in rainbows.

I believe in human connection.

It's hard not to be attached to them, but am slowly learning to let go.

Come good or bad, I'm strong to take it.

"The world has changed us all recently, and unfortunately not always in the ways we would like it to. The more I travel, the more I realize how connected we truly are--- not only by our humanity, but also by the sadness we share at seeing how unjust and bitter our world is today. You can tell by our facial expressions, by our sighs, by our outright rage--- so much change is needed, and often it just feels too overwhelming, too hopeless. That's why The Motorcycle Diaries is so important to me--- it has renewed my hope that I, that we, can and must make a difference. That our ideals and dreams don't have to be just thoughts but real visions that we can put into action. That all of us, no matter what our roles in life, have the capacity to make positive change." Brain (another viewer of Motorcycle Diaries)


For me Motorcycle Diaries came in the later part of my decision to change. The catalyst of the change in my perspective of life came in the form of person.

I had the honour of meeting Jeff Oliver, who travelled from Bangkok, to Malaysia for a Malaysia Dhamma Tour. With origins of an Australian, I could relate to his sentiments and his style. What inspired me most was, he was a full time meditation teacher and traveller; in a surf shirt and torn jeans. He defied conventions in the Buddhist community, revealing that the Dhamma is very much the part of us and you don't have to be in the temple nor in robes, to truly experience the essence of Buddhism.

Somehow, something clicked in me. It was like a piece of jigsaw puzzle fell straight into the empty space-one that I've been staring for quite some time.

And for him, his dream was to share the Dhamma-to further inspire people all over the world. If there's one mind he could awaken, he would; if there's one heart he can open up, he would. It somehow renewed my hope to pursue this idealistic dream of mine-to lead an unconventional life, and hopefully along the way, touch and inspire many more people. Idealism doesn't have to be just thoughts, it could be put into action. We all could make the difference-whatever difference that we've thought about.

I believe we all have the capacity for a positive change. That's why, both Mui Han and I came up with 3AM. We start small, maybe it'd grow into something big. It doesn't have to become a revolutionary mission; our hope is to just touch some hearts along the way.


Below's was a writeup by Mui Han after meeting Jeff:

Friday, 6 JAN 2006… Wind gushing and storm brewing, entire Klang Valley was engulfed with a heavy downpour, something common for the past week. By 7.00pm, most of the roads have been clogged by cars and rain water, with visibility almost limited for most drivers.

I just managed to brave all these to reach the serene refuge of the vihara (SJBA). When I entered the shrine hall, there was another sister patiently waiting for the sharing to start. More people came after that, almost all were soaked to a certain extent.

Then our “teacher for the night” came, Bro. Jeff Oliver. Many people know him as Ajahn Jeff. Ajahn being the Thai word for Teacher, and Bro. Jeff is currently based in Bangkok, or for most of the time. He took sometime to chat with some of us while waiting for more “brave” people to come.

We finally started the session half passed eight, with about 25 of us. We had laid out the sitting cushions following the designated boxes in SJBA Shrine Hall. So the first thing Ajahn Jeff did, after my brief introduction of the night’s program and we paying our respect to the Triple Gem, was to asked us to grab our cushions and sit as naturally closed to him without having to follow any formations or boxes. “We learn to think out of the box!” he commented.

He began his life story from being oblivion of the Dharma, to connecting to nature and being intertwined with it when he discovered “meditation” by himself during those times spent on the beach and in the jungle. And how he went from board surfing, to travelling across the world, from knowing nothing to finding a vipassana teacher and being ordained into the Order. And how he went from the Order, to disrobing and re-entering into the Order and disrobing again later in life. And from being an Australian into becoming a Burmese monk and being posted to South Africa to do missionary work in a Burmese Vihara. And from constantly sharing his views out loud to just learning how to shut up and listen to others. And from giving unconditionally to receiving unconditionally.

Ajahn Jeff filled us with many stories and his personal experiences, most things that we will surely never be able to experience. His sincerity and warmth was amazing. His message was clear and a great reminder to most of us; of being true to ourselves and being true to others. Sharing the Dharma also means living the Dharma. If we can transform our own lives with practising the Dharma, our “dhammadutta” work would naturally be illuminating.

Thus in leaving us, Ajahn Jeff gave each and everyone of us a big bear hug. Truly on a dark and stormy night, Ajahn Jeff managed to leave an illuminating message in our hearts. This helps us to renew our faith into the practice, so that we ourselves are able to continue to illuminate our own lives and be a beacon to others……

And a less interesting write up from myself..

Dear everyone,

I left today's talk with immense joy in my heart. It was something I haven't felt in a very long time. It wasn't those ephemeral external sort of happiness. This was something from within, and it felt very personal in the heart. My spirit rejoiced after understanding the Dhamma better; which also meant, understanding myself better as well.

Jeff is a truly charismatic teacher, who taught the Dhamma by sharing from his heart. He was at peace with himself and with clear wisdom, he was able to expound lessons of life without having even attempting. He wasn't in the mood to preach the Dhamma.....him sharing his life experiences and seeing us youngsters slurping up those juicy yet illuminating details were the Dhamma itself!

He's someone you can talk for hours over a cup of coffee and leave you feeling spiritually contented. With a typical laid back Aussie surfer personality, he made himself really approachable and friendly.

Most of all, he touches us with his love for Dhamma-as it is. The true nature of things is the truth that never changes. He also shared with us how despite his lighthearted nature, when it comes to the practice of Dhamma, he is indeed very serious about it. He made us realise that you don't have to formally be in robes, to live like a monk. The trick is to live simply, purely and embrace the Dhamma as it is.

I remember a friend once asked me, "Are you spiritual?" Honestly, does that matter? Must we label ourselves spiritual in order to be one? Let us all just BE spiritual: do good, avoid evil and purify our mind-who cares whether we call or think ourselves as one!

I'm inspired and touched.

I do hope that we'll be able to invite him out for cuppa some time soon next week. For those who are interested, do drop me a line.

"There is nothing more humbeling than living in a foreign culture because you become the outsider on the inside. The worlds people are gracious and kind if you keep an open mind and learn from each encounter with each person it becomes like a great classroom. Traveling is an amazing case study of human beings, inhabiting a common space that through countries and continents changes- the only constant in the world is change- but we are all so same. We all must breath, eat and rest. So see, we are all not so different, we are unique. Once you have tasted flight and held a conversation with a native without using words and arrived in a town not knowing a thing, a finding a place to sleep, eat and shower, is above and beyond, living in the present moment and savouring each day. Traveling makes you aware, aware that the world is small but vast. But before you can find yourself, first you must lose yourself in the world." Lisa, CA (A viewer's feedback after watching Motorcycle Diaries)

Open road

I finished watching the Motorcycle Diaries, and reconsidered my decision. Did I make the right choice? Many asked, why do I have to leave my relationship to pursue this idealistic concept of freedom? Aaron told me, while Andrew didn't stop me from my dreams, I could go on being impassioned about my dreams and yet have Andrew supporting me. Yes. Have the cake and eat it at the same time, he said. I was unable to articulate to neither Andrew nor Aaron what drove me to making such a decision. But in my heart, while burdened with sadness, knew that it was the best thing to do. For the time being.

When I started watching the Motorcycle Diaries, I realised, that was exactly the concept I was pursuing. The open road idea. While I'm not exactly travelling physically, it is still a journey to me. My life-now, is like the open road. Opened to any experiences (without harming myself or anyone in the process). Come what may. The trip, is myself, travelling through life. Without any sort of support (in terms of a intimate relationship) or much money. This is the best time now. I don't have a car, a loan or much commitment. I have a job now, but it ain't going to hinder me from traveling. I no longer believe in job security or a glamourous multinational career. Maybe, it's the folly of youth, but I always believe that there are other ways to earn a living. What matters, currently, are life experiences. Real connection with people, instead of just labels. Direct experiences instead of concepts.

I'm going to meet new faces, open up to new cultures and ideas. I'm not forsaking my principles, but I'm trying to lead beyond a conventional life. If I could. While I can.

And maybe, Andrew can wait for me, while I 'experiment' with life. But who am I to say, how he should lead his life? What if I don't go back, as promised-what next? Hence my decision to stay single...until the time comes, when the trip ends.

I know I sound selfish, but the least I can be is to be honest to myself and Andrew. I'm sorry my dearest, I've to follow my heart. You'd occupy a very special place in my heart.

The road is open and vast--I'm taking the first step.

Wow wee..who would have thought that I'm now a freaking PR consultant? Those uni days when I was living a sheltered life, I've always thought my heart and soul lies in the creative advertising world. I lived and breathed advertising then. Every ad annual would catch my eye. I would snap up every advertising case study books available. I thought someday, I could emulate the success of Yasmin Ahmad or Neil French. Ah well, who knows life would take such a dramatic change. Never thought of it huh?

I started out in my current company as a writer. Without a background in PR, I had difficulties crafting delicious newsworthy press releases. I was struggling with what to write for client speeches. I felt like a noob. My ideas were unfocussed, my stories were all over, I had no angle to elaborate on and I couldn't even understand the rule of active voice. How lousy can I get. Anyway, the first few weeks was a breeze. I found out that I do admin work pretty well and eventually helped out my very busy colleagues with some of their jobs.

Then boss offered me the position of a PR consultant. It was very exciting theoretically. Not until I started being one, I thought I could handle it. Boy was I wrong. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it. It seems I've been rambling about work far too long.

Sometimes I wonder what Mui Han and Mun Yee warned me before was right. That the corporate world is shit and why would I wanna be a part of it? I couldn't grasp the concepts that they were advocating. I thought they were slow, and jaded. With the folly of youth, I thought I was young, accomplished and high flying. Bring it on, I thought arrogantly...I'm not afraid.
True, the money is good..but the workload is worse. You're paid to think and to be shouted at. You're paid to please your boss and your clients. You're paid to shut your mouth and learn to take orders.

I wish I could adopt the Western culture of work, quit, travel, work, quit, travel.There are so many things I want to do in life yet it's not going to happen if I don't have the money to support these passions. That's why I've got to work.

Damn.

Would someone tell me that there's another alternative to all this?

Oh dear oh dear. Where am I getting all these ideas? One year ago, I was actually considering to settle down with Andrew. Not getting married-la, but was ruminating on getting a de-facto visa so that I could stay back with Andrew. And here I am now, having second thoughts about it. I'm not seeing anyone, no of course not. The relationship isn't stale either. We're good together, really-despite the fact that the seas are seperating us.
But I'm having other priorities, now that I'm settled over here in..South East Asia. I wouldn't say KL just yet because I can't wait to get out of here really. But yeah, I don't think I'm going to be a domesticated girlfriend of Andrew anytime soon. Firstly, I might not return back to Aussie so fast simply because I'm establishing a career here first. We all know that to rise in ranks, you'd probably have to stay on for at least a year or two to make your presence in the company worthwhile. Secondly, I'm having so much fun here. Since I'm pretty much available (absolutely not single though), I've got lots of time to pursue the things I really wanted to do. Or rather, take a step back and just chill. I've been hanging out with various groups of friends, and we are all pretty good together. I enjoy this social lifestyle of being truly interested in people. It feels different from faking friendliness. I talk to a stranger simply because I was interested in him or her and not because of social obligations. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly because there are some people whom I couldn't connect or talk to. Once I pick up a conversation with someone, whom I just met, we usually click just like that. There would be this warm extension of friendship and the other person seem keen in accepting it as well. That, I thought, was a beautiful way to make friends.

I was content for I was no longer depending on one group of friends. Instead, I'm going out, exploring social circles and met really interesting people. I'm doing something different for a change. Also, I felt that I play a part in bringing people sunshine. That's what one person commented to me. You're always smiling, they said. And I felt really honoured with that statement. I'm not trying to brag but I thought, if I stop being so attached to one person or group, I can make more people happy and vice versa. And then a thought striked me: I like making people happy. I like to create this warm and approachable environment where we can build relationships without bias or prejuidice. It feels really different. And that sort of relationship transcends gender, age and race. It feels good to know another person, simply because you're interested in someone else-without expecting anything in return but a warm smile and a good conversation.

It's getting late now. There's so much I wanted to say, but to put concepts into words just doesn't work for me. Even though I'm now working as a freaking writer. Gah.

I shall write more the next time.

Good night.

Well! It does seem embarassing whenever someone mentions about work and I have to tell them that I'm unemployed. It sounds so negative and deragatory! It really isn't the job market's fault..I'm unemployed by CHOICE!

Anyway, everyone is quite keen in seeking out jobs for me, regardless whether I like it or not. I thank everyone's efforts for being helpful, but no, I'm not interested in call centre jobs or selling pharmaceutical products. I know that's where the wealth lies but I've got my sanity to think about.

The thing is, nobody understands the satisfaction I get from the jobs that I care about. For example, my dad has a hard time trying to comprehend why do I have to design a portfolio or create a significant branding for my CV. He nags about how 'unemployable' I am and that doing up a portfolio of my past work is a waste of time. Sigh.

Some junior committees complimented on the promo video, the sketch and the camp booklet which all was designed from scratch and executed by yours truly till the very end. Wei Wing told me that he was impressed by how I managed to handle the large cast, and how I got everyone into the mood despite practice time constraints. He reminded me how the audience went ballistic over the show and the video. And I thanked him for being observant and for reaffirming my passion. It was uplifting to see that my efforts were appreciated after all. And this is all coming from a guy whom I knew less than a week!

I'm also beginning to feel more confident in my capabilities after teaming up with Johnny for a couple of freelance design projects. Yes, empowerment is the word. You see, most of the time, I have these concepts swimming in my head yet I never get to see it executed because I lack the skills needed for execution. Yet working with Johnny turned my ideas into reality. Combined with his fantastic design skills, we managed to design some stuff where people at Microsoft can actually appreciate!

And oh, he also did mention that it was the cover letter that I wrote for him which scored him an interview with an international events company.

This is really not an avenue to brag but rather, a boost to my long deflated ego. Hopefully, this energy would see me through. Let the world rain their expectations on me; I hope never to lose sight of my dreams again.

I think I was on hiatus for the past 3 months. It wasn't because I was busy but rather I was apprehensive about pouring every emotion that chugs up here. I'm tired of having to explain myself, being defensive or getting paranoid about whether what I wrote would harm certain parties or how some opinions would be detrimental to my own image.

Anyway, for more general updates, I'm still hanging around. Life took a dramatic turn ever since I came to know a friend, by the name of Johnny. He was Min's friend. Remember Min, a rather close friend of mine but eventually, many mistook us to be sisters? For the first few weeks back here, I was completely down and overdrawn. I was massively depressed and suffered from anxiety attacks. I didn't eat nor sleep well. Going out was merely a distraction. I also suffered from financial problems. I was at the brink of no return. I wasn't suicidal but at some dark corners of my heart, I wish I could just have an easy way out of all these misery.

Min was anxious to help me but she couldn't as she was in Australia. So she decided to get her close side kick Johnny to give me a sunshine boost. First of all, she instructed him to lend me some money. At first, it was all a little pai seh for me because I hardly know Johnny. I've only met this guy once for a quick Photoshop tutorial in Aussie, two years ago and I haven't seen him since!

Nevertheless I was desperate and Johnny, being such a buddy to Min, decided to lend some money to some stranger whom he has met once and forgotten. Johnny then just left his previous company and was in the midst of looking for another job. Min also told him to meet me as she mentioned that I have good resources and would be able to help him out.

After a brief meet, we both found out that we actually have plenty in common. And also, we share our love for Min..haha...so she was also a main topic in our conversations. Other than that, we talked about almost everything under the sun, from our love of design to career discussions,gays,guys,girls,cars,creativity,ads,culture,society,fashion,metrosexuals and the list goes on.

Ever since then, we meet up pretty often. Almost everyday, we would be browsing over the job recruitment section and then daydream about our careers. Since I was the one with broadband access at home and had a better command in English, I supervised all his job applications, wrote cover letters, and basically in other words, his communications officer. He in return, was my driver, my design and fashion mentor and a confidante.

Within those 2 months, I realised a lot of things about myself. I remember trying to escape from the creative world of advertising. I wanted to branch out in to education, events, marketing and media. Yet, while working on some freelance projects with Johnny, and some support, I realised that my aversion towards advertising stem from my low self esteem. I thought I wasn't good enough for it. However, meeting up with Janet Lee(the director of 95% The Writer's Academy) and some push from Johnny changed my mind about myself. They both told me that I had the potential and the right attitude to become someone in the advertising world. Despite having a long way to go to becoming someone like Neil French or David Abbot, I know I would be there some day.

The D2Y activities also pushed my creative instincts further. They needed me to come up with a camp booklet, a promotional documentary, and some other video clips. And somewhere along the way, I forget that I was supposed to be job hunting. However, I did go some interviews at some MNCs. but rejected their offer for I accepted an offer by Mui Han, a good friend of mine, to be a communications officer of his newly set up Education centre. I guess it sounded like a good idea at that time and what he offered was quite flexible. The money wasn't anything to shout about but hey, I thought I could benefit from the experience.

But the job didn't start immediately. It only started in November. When November came, my experiences told me that I didn't want to just get a job. I want to have a career, a job that I can be proud of, something that would drive and motivate me while working. And so I declined MH's offer. And here I am, back to square one, looking for a job.

While some things never change; ie: the situation at home and all that, but I found friends. In the most unlikely places. I even went down to Singapore to visit Eu Jin. And then, there is also Johnny. And Johnny's friend, Thomas. And many others.

Oh well. Let's hope I find a job real soon.