Discovering Ying

2006-03-06T06:05:00.000-08:00

What a sad song..

"You'll Think Of Me" by Keith Urban

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot BETTER
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been

What we should have been
So...

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
But don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday YOU'RE GONNA THINK OF ME

2006-02-28T03:49:00.000-08:00

I believe in dreams.

I believe in sunshine.

I believe in rainbows.

I believe in human connection.

It's hard not to be attached to them, but am slowly learning to let go.

Come good or bad, I'm strong to take it.

2006-02-18T09:49:00.000-08:00

"The world has changed us all recently, and unfortunately not always in the ways we would like it to. The more I travel, the more I realize how connected we truly are--- not only by our humanity, but also by the sadness we share at seeing how unjust and bitter our world is today. You can tell by our facial expressions, by our sighs, by our outright rage--- so much change is needed, and often it just feels too overwhelming, too hopeless. That's why The Motorcycle Diaries is so important to me--- it has renewed my hope that I, that we, can and must make a difference. That our ideals and dreams don't have to be just thoughts but real visions that we can put into action. That all of us, no matter what our roles in life, have the capacity to make positive change." Brain (another viewer of Motorcycle Diaries)

For me Motorcycle Diaries came in the later part of my decision to change. The catalyst of the change in my perspective of life came in the form of person.

I had the honour of meeting Jeff Oliver, who travelled from Bangkok, to Malaysia for a Malaysia Dhamma Tour. With origins of an Australian, I could relate to his sentiments and his style. What inspired me most was, he was a full time meditation teacher and traveller; in a surf shirt and torn jeans. He defied conventions in the Buddhist community, revealing that the Dhamma is very much the part of us and you don't have to be in the temple nor in robes, to truly experience the essence of Buddhism.

Somehow, something clicked in me. It was like a piece of jigsaw puzzle fell straight into the empty space-one that I've been staring for quite some time.

And for him, his dream was to share the Dhamma-to further inspire people all over the world. If there's one mind he could awaken, he would; if there's one heart he can open up, he would. It somehow renewed my hope to pursue this idealistic dream of mine-to lead an unconventional life, and hopefully along the way, touch and inspire many more people. Idealism doesn't have to be just thoughts, it could be put into action. We all could make the difference-whatever difference that we've thought about.

I believe we all have the capacity for a positive change. That's why, both Mui Han and I came up with 3AM. We start small, maybe it'd grow into something big. It doesn't have to become a revolutionary mission; our hope is to just touch some hearts along the way.

Below's was a writeup by Mui Han after meeting Jeff:

Friday, 6 JAN 2006… Wind gushing and storm brewing, entire Klang Valley was engulfed with a heavy downpour, something common for the past week. By 7.00pm, most of the roads have been clogged by cars and rain water, with visibility almost limited for most drivers.

I just managed to brave all these to reach the serene refuge of the vihara (SJBA). When I entered the shrine hall, there was another sister patiently waiting for the sharing to start. More people came after that, almost all were soaked to a certain extent.

Then our “teacher for the night” came, Bro. Jeff Oliver. Many people know him as Ajahn Jeff. Ajahn being the Thai word for Teacher, and Bro. Jeff is currently based in Bangkok, or for most of the time. He took sometime to chat with some of us while waiting for more “brave” people to come.

We finally started the session half passed eight, with about 25 of us. We had laid out the sitting cushions following the designated boxes in SJBA Shrine Hall. So the first thing Ajahn Jeff did, after my brief introduction of the night’s program and we paying our respect to the Triple Gem, was to asked us to grab our cushions and sit as naturally closed to him without having to follow any formations or boxes. “We learn to think out of the box!” he commented.

He began his life story from being oblivion of the Dharma, to connecting to nature and being intertwined with it when he discovered “meditation” by himself during those times spent on the beach and in the jungle. And how he went from board surfing, to travelling across the world, from knowing nothing to finding a vipassana teacher and being ordained into the Order. And how he went from the Order, to disrobing and re-entering into the Order and disrobing again later in life. And from being an Australian into becoming a Burmese monk and being posted to

South Africa

to do missionary work in a Burmese Vihara. And from constantly sharing his views out loud to just learning how to shut up and listen to others. And from giving unconditionally to receiving unconditionally.

Ajahn Jeff filled us with many stories and his personal experiences, most things that we will surely never be able to experience. His sincerity and warmth was amazing. His message was clear and a great reminder to most of us; of being true to ourselves and being true to others. Sharing the Dharma also means living the Dharma. If we can transform our own lives with practising the Dharma, our “dhammadutta” work would naturally be illuminating.

Thus in leaving us, Ajahn Jeff gave each and everyone of us a big bear hug. Truly on a dark and stormy night, Ajahn Jeff managed to leave an illuminating message in our hearts. This helps us to renew our faith into the practice, so that we ourselves are able to continue to illuminate our own lives and be a beacon to others……

And a less interesting write up from myself..

Dear everyone,

I left today's talk with immense joy in my heart. It was something I haven't felt in a very long time. It wasn't those ephemeral external sort of happiness. This was something from within, and it felt very personal in the heart. My spirit rejoiced after understanding the Dhamma better; which also meant, understanding myself better as well.

Jeff is a truly charismatic teacher, who taught the Dhamma by sharing from his heart. He was at peace with himself and with clear wisdom, he was able to expound lessons of life without having even attempting. He wasn't in the mood to preach the Dhamma.....him sharing his life experiences and seeing us youngsters slurping up those juicy yet illuminating details were the Dhamma itself!

He's someone you can talk for hours over a cup of coffee and leave you feeling spiritually contented. With a typical laid back Aussie surfer personality, he made himself really approachable and friendly.

Most of all, he touches us with his love for Dhamma-as it is. The true nature of things is the truth that never changes. He also shared with us how despite his lighthearted nature, when it comes to the practice of Dhamma, he is indeed very serious about it. He made us realise that you don't have to formally be in robes, to live like a monk. The trick is to live simply, purely and embrace the Dhamma as it is.

I remember a friend once asked me, "Are you spiritual?" Honestly, does that matter? Must we label ourselves spiritual in order to be one? Let us all just BE spiritual: do good, avoid evil and purify our mind-who cares whether we call or think ourselves as one!

I'm inspired and touched.

I do hope that we'll be able to invite him out for cuppa some time soon next week. For those who are interested, do drop me a line.

2006-02-18T09:47:00.000-08:00

"There is nothing more humbeling than living in a foreign culture because you become the outsider on the inside. The worlds people are gracious and kind if you keep an open mind and learn from each encounter with each person it becomes like a great classroom. Traveling is an amazing case study of human beings, inhabiting a common space that through countries and continents changes- the only constant in the world is change- but we are all so same. We all must breath, eat and rest. So see, we are all not so different, we are unique.

Once you have tasted flight and held a conversation with a native without using words and arrived in a town not knowing a thing, a finding a place to sleep, eat and shower, is above and beyond, living in the present moment and savouring each day. Traveling makes you aware, aware that the world is small but vast. But before you can find yourself, first you must lose yourself in the world."

Lisa, CA (A viewer's feedback after watching Motorcycle Diaries)

Open road

2006-02-18T08:30:00.000-08:00

I finished watching the Motorcycle Diaries, and reconsidered my decision. Did I make the right choice? Many asked, why do I have to leave my relationship to pursue this idealistic concept of freedom? Aaron told me, while Andrew didn't stop me from my dreams, I could go on being impassioned about my dreams and yet have Andrew supporting me. Yes. Have the cake and eat it at the same time, he said. I was unable to articulate to neither Andrew nor Aaron what drove me to making such a decision. But in my heart, while burdened with sadness, knew that it was the best thing to do. For the time being.

When I started watching the Motorcycle Diaries, I realised, that was exactly the concept I was pursuing. The open road idea. While I'm not exactly travelling physically, it is still a journey to me. My life-now, is like the open road. Opened to any experiences (without harming myself or anyone in the process). Come what may. The trip, is myself, travelling through life. Without any sort of support (in terms of a intimate relationship) or much money. This is the best time now. I don't have a car, a loan or much commitment. I have a job now, but it ain't going to hinder me from traveling. I no longer believe in job security or a glamourous multinational career. Maybe, it's the folly of youth, but I always believe that there are other ways to earn a living. What matters, currently, are life experiences. Real connection with people, instead of just labels. Direct experiences instead of concepts.

I'm going to meet new faces, open up to new cultures and ideas. I'm not forsaking my principles, but I'm trying to lead beyond a conventional life. If I could. While I can.

And maybe, Andrew can wait for me, while I 'experiment' with life. But who am I to say, how he should lead his life? What if I don't go back, as promised-what next? Hence my decision to stay single...until the time comes, when the trip ends.

I know I sound selfish, but the least I can be is to be honest to myself and Andrew. I'm sorry my dearest, I've to follow my heart. You'd occupy a very special place in my heart.

The road is open and vast--I'm taking the first step.

2006-02-09T23:57:00.000-08:00

Wow wee..who would have thought that I'm now a freaking PR consultant? Those uni days when I was living a sheltered life, I've always thought my heart and soul lies in the creative advertising world. I lived and breathed advertising then. Every ad annual would catch my eye. I would snap up every advertising case study books available. I thought someday, I could emulate the success of Yasmin Ahmad or Neil French. Ah well, who knows life would take such a dramatic change. Never thought of it huh?

I started out in my current company as a writer. Without a background in PR, I had difficulties crafting delicious newsworthy press releases. I was struggling with what to write for client speeches. I felt like a noob. My ideas were unfocussed, my stories were all over, I had no angle to elaborate on and I couldn't even understand the rule of active voice. How lousy can I get. Anyway, the first few weeks was a breeze. I found out that I do admin work pretty well and eventually helped out my very busy colleagues with some of their jobs.

Then boss offered me the position of a PR consultant. It was very exciting theoretically. Not until I started being one, I thought I could handle it. Boy was I wrong. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it. It seems I've been rambling about work far too long.

Sometimes I wonder what Mui Han and Mun Yee warned me before was right. That the corporate world is shit and why would I wanna be a part of it? I couldn't grasp the concepts that they were advocating. I thought they were slow, and jaded. With the folly of youth, I thought I was young, accomplished and high flying. Bring it on, I thought arrogantly...I'm not afraid.
True, the money is good..but the workload is worse. You're paid to think and to be shouted at. You're paid to please your boss and your clients. You're paid to shut your mouth and learn to take orders.

I wish I could adopt the Western culture of work, quit, travel, work, quit, travel.There are so many things I want to do in life yet it's not going to happen if I don't have the money to support these passions. That's why I've got to work.

Damn.

Would someone tell me that there's another alternative to all this?

2006-01-11T09:18:00.000-08:00

Oh dear oh dear. Where am I getting all these ideas? One year ago, I was actually considering to settle down with Andrew. Not getting married-la, but was ruminating on getting a de-facto visa so that I could stay back with Andrew. And here I am now, having second thoughts about it. I'm not seeing anyone, no of course not. The relationship isn't stale either. We're good together, really-despite the fact that the seas are seperating us.
But I'm having other priorities, now that I'm settled over here in..South East Asia. I wouldn't say KL just yet because I can't wait to get out of here really. But yeah, I don't think I'm going to be a domesticated girlfriend of Andrew anytime soon. Firstly, I might not return back to Aussie so fast simply because I'm establishing a career here first. We all know that to rise in ranks, you'd probably have to stay on for at least a year or two to make your presence in the company worthwhile. Secondly, I'm having so much fun here. Since I'm pretty much available (absolutely not single though), I've got lots of time to pursue the things I really wanted to do. Or rather, take a step back and just chill. I've been hanging out with various groups of friends, and we are all pretty good together. I enjoy this social lifestyle of being truly interested in people. It feels different from faking friendliness. I talk to a stranger simply because I was interested in him or her and not because of social obligations. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly because there are some people whom I couldn't connect or talk to. Once I pick up a conversation with someone, whom I just met, we usually click just like that. There would be this warm extension of friendship and the other person seem keen in accepting it as well. That, I thought, was a beautiful way to make friends.

I was content for I was no longer depending on one group of friends. Instead, I'm going out, exploring social circles and met really interesting people. I'm doing something different for a change. Also, I felt that I play a part in bringing people sunshine. That's what one person commented to me. You're always smiling, they said. And I felt really honoured with that statement. I'm not trying to brag but I thought, if I stop being so attached to one person or group, I can make more people happy and vice versa. And then a thought striked me: I like making people happy. I like to create this warm and approachable environment where we can build relationships without bias or prejuidice. It feels really different. And that sort of relationship transcends gender, age and race. It feels good to know another person, simply because you're interested in someone else-without expecting anything in return but a warm smile and a good conversation.

It's getting late now. There's so much I wanted to say, but to put concepts into words just doesn't work for me. Even though I'm now working as a freaking writer. Gah.

I shall write more the next time.

Good night.

2005-12-05T08:27:00.000-08:00

Well! It does seem embarassing whenever someone mentions about work and I have to tell them that I'm unemployed. It sounds so negative and deragatory! It really isn't the job market's fault..I'm unemployed by CHOICE!

Anyway, everyone is quite keen in seeking out jobs for me, regardless whether I like it or not. I thank everyone's efforts for being helpful, but no, I'm not interested in call centre jobs or selling pharmaceutical products. I know that's where the wealth lies but I've got my sanity to think about.

The thing is, nobody understands the satisfaction I get from the jobs that I care about. For example, my dad has a hard time trying to comprehend why do I have to design a portfolio or create a significant branding for my CV. He nags about how 'unemployable' I am and that doing up a portfolio of my past work is a waste of time. Sigh.

Some junior committees complimented on the promo video, the sketch and the camp booklet which all was designed from scratch and executed by yours truly till the very end. Wei Wing told me that he was impressed by how I managed to handle the large cast, and how I got everyone into the mood despite practice time constraints. He reminded me how the audience went ballistic over the show and the video. And I thanked him for being observant and for reaffirming my passion. It was uplifting to see that my efforts were appreciated after all. And this is all coming from a guy whom I knew less than a week!

I'm also beginning to feel more confident in my capabilities after teaming up with Johnny for a couple of freelance design projects. Yes, empowerment is the word. You see, most of the time, I have these concepts swimming in my head yet I never get to see it executed because I lack the skills needed for execution. Yet working with Johnny turned my ideas into reality. Combined with his fantastic design skills, we managed to design some stuff where people at Microsoft can actually appreciate!

And oh, he also did mention that it was the cover letter that I wrote for him which scored him an interview with an international events company.

This is really not an avenue to brag but rather, a boost to my long deflated ego. Hopefully, this energy would see me through. Let the world rain their expectations on me; I hope never to lose sight of my dreams again.

2005-12-01T04:06:00.000-08:00

I think I was on hiatus for the past 3 months. It wasn't because I was busy but rather I was apprehensive about pouring every emotion that chugs up here. I'm tired of having to explain myself, being defensive or getting paranoid about whether what I wrote would harm certain parties or how some opinions would be detrimental to my own image.

Anyway, for more general updates, I'm still hanging around. Life took a dramatic turn ever since I came to know a friend, by the name of Johnny. He was Min's friend. Remember Min, a rather close friend of mine but eventually, many mistook us to be sisters? For the first few weeks back here, I was completely down and overdrawn. I was massively depressed and suffered from anxiety attacks. I didn't eat nor sleep well. Going out was merely a distraction. I also suffered from financial problems. I was at the brink of no return. I wasn't suicidal but at some dark corners of my heart, I wish I could just have an easy way out of all these misery.

Min was anxious to help me but she couldn't as she was in Australia. So she decided to get her close side kick Johnny to give me a sunshine boost. First of all, she instructed him to lend me some money. At first, it was all a little pai seh for me because I hardly know Johnny. I've only met this guy once for a quick Photoshop tutorial in Aussie, two years ago and I haven't seen him since!

Nevertheless I was desperate and Johnny, being such a buddy to Min, decided to lend some money to some stranger whom he has met once and forgotten. Johnny then just left his previous company and was in the midst of looking for another job. Min also told him to meet me as she mentioned that I have good resources and would be able to help him out.

After a brief meet, we both found out that we actually have plenty in common. And also, we share our love for Min..haha...so she was also a main topic in our conversations. Other than that, we talked about almost everything under the sun, from our love of design to career discussions,gays,guys,girls,cars,creativity,ads,culture,society,fashion,metrosexuals and the list goes on.

Ever since then, we meet up pretty often. Almost everyday, we would be browsing over the job recruitment section and then daydream about our careers. Since I was the one with broadband access at home and had a better command in English, I supervised all his job applications, wrote cover letters, and basically in other words, his communications officer. He in return, was my driver, my design and fashion mentor and a confidante.

Within those 2 months, I realised a lot of things about myself. I remember trying to escape from the creative world of advertising. I wanted to branch out in to education, events, marketing and media. Yet, while working on some freelance projects with Johnny, and some support, I realised that my aversion towards advertising stem from my low self esteem. I thought I wasn't good enough for it. However, meeting up with Janet Lee(the director of 95% The Writer's Academy) and some push from Johnny changed my mind about myself. They both told me that I had the potential and the right attitude to become someone in the advertising world. Despite having a long way to go to becoming someone like Neil French or David Abbot, I know I would be there some day.

The D2Y activities also pushed my creative instincts further. They needed me to come up with a camp booklet, a promotional documentary, and some other video clips. And somewhere along the way, I forget that I was supposed to be job hunting. However, I did go some interviews at some MNCs. but rejected their offer for I accepted an offer by Mui Han, a good friend of mine, to be a communications officer of his newly set up Education centre. I guess it sounded like a good idea at that time and what he offered was quite flexible. The money wasn't anything to shout about but hey, I thought I could benefit from the experience.

But the job didn't start immediately. It only started in November. When November came, my experiences told me that I didn't want to just get a job. I want to have a career, a job that I can be proud of, something that would drive and motivate me while working. And so I declined MH's offer. And here I am, back to square one, looking for a job.

While some things never change; ie: the situation at home and all that, but I found friends. In the most unlikely places. I even went down to Singapore to visit Eu Jin. And then, there is also Johnny. And Johnny's friend, Thomas. And many others.

Oh well. Let's hope I find a job real soon.

2005-09-20T07:24:00.000-07:00

Many people question what I do these days. It appears to them that my short and ambigous answer:" bumming" is not enough. Be more specific they said. It do seem mysterious to those curious ones that I have 14 hours to spend in a day (the rest for sleep)to do whatever I possibly wanted to do. I can't possibly sleep or watch TV the whole day..or god forbid, spend every waking hour staring at the PC screen?
I suppose one day of such time wasting activities is possible..one week of it...a little dodgy but still possible for weirdos(I'm one don't you worry)...but a month..or two??

Haha. I read a lot. Oh yes, bladee hell I do. And I travel on the LRT a lot too. Wait-these two activities don't go too well together, you ask, but hey...for me,it does. I so happen do not enjoy reading at home. Besides, I don't have so many books to read. I finish a book in one or two days time, so to feed this voracious appetite for reading, I rip MPH and Kinokuniya off by reading their books!
Oh yes, I've spend 6-8 hours a day reading, just in either MPH One Utama or Kinokuniya KL. And definitely to commute there, LRT's worth every penny.

I really can't stand being at home. It's not the matter of the hostilty and arguments anymore. Simply with all these pent up frustrations, I feel repressed. I've got this feeling that I must always be threading the right path and if I do accidentally misstep out of it, I'll either get scolded or punished in one way or another. And I'm a person who hates stirring up trouble. My grandparents mistake this for obedience but I'm telling ya, I'm not enjoying this bit of fillial piety. I should respect my family members, not cower in fear whenever I see them.

That's why, I always feel the need to get away. At least I can be myself when there's a distance between me and home. I truly fear that this repression would rot my self expression and spirit. I'm already feeling the stress of such passive response towards my problem but there's all I can do at the moment. I'm not ready for a confrontation or anything. Maybe it's partly my problem that I feel intimidated at home.

There's also this bad habit of looking up for friends whenever I'm out. I've no problem doing my own shopping and all that but after a while, it does get a little tad lonely. I have to be out from 10-10 (coz there's no transport home and the only way to get around is to follow my bro's working schedule)and it's just frustrating that I've to eat alone, talk to myself, amuse myself and all that. Most of my friends are either busy with studies or at work. This is also one of the reasons why I stay over at my aunt's but I feel bad because I seem to be leeching on her kindness. I really don't want to take things for granted you know.

I'm now just waiting for the offer letter to confirm about the job.Until then, I'm basically the most unproductive organism on earth.

2005-09-07T07:07:00.000-07:00

Apart from all the problems that I've posted below, I'm miserable because:

Now that I've so much time in my hands, I wish to invest some of this time into expanding my own creativity. Yet again and again, circumstances just wouldn't allow me to do it. Things that I'd do:

Photography
Layouts for D2Y promotional material
A short film
Constant visits to interesting plays,exhibitions and music festivals
Pick up design software classes.
Plan some event

Circumstances:
No transport, not even public
No helping hands, especially from like minded people
No printer
No digital camera
Living in a forgotten civilisation...wait...civlisation don't even exist here..it's just a location out of nowhere.
Most of all...no money!!

Maybe I should just start writing short stories or plays instead. At least all I need is a PC.

Or maybe I should just continue daydreaming. Fantasy isn't that bad I reckon.

2005-09-07T05:09:00.000-07:00

I know I've been particularly depressing these days. Every entry I posted holds a degree of negativity that seem to passify everything else. People must wonder, am no longer capable to feel happy? Or rather be in a pleasant state instead of having a constant black cloud hovering over me? Let's just say, there's good and bad times for me. I do smile and laugh occasionally but really, nothing worth significant to blog about. Besides, words somehow don't come tumbling to me whenever I feel good. I rather revel in feeling good than trying to find words for desribe those positive emotions. Just feeling. Being. And since it's so scarce to find a moment that could put a smile to my lips...I might as well hold it steadfast in my mind and capture the rapturous feelings in my heart.

Anyway..back to stories of the black..I don't think I can take it anymore. No, I'm not feeling suicidal. Just feeling the urgent need to flee this home. Correct that-house.Home is where the heart is; unfortunately mine isn't.

I tried very hard to do my part, to be part of the family but at the end of the day, I have to struggle with the brutal fact that I can't. I think dad changed pretty much after the marriage. I never resented the fact that he remarried. Before he got married, he asked me for my blessing, and I gave it. He said he'll be quite lonely and that's true. After all, it'd be good to have someone to take care of him whenever my brother and I are not around.

But then, the picture is not that all rosy. Ah Yee as I call her(aunt in Cantonese)is hostile towards me. I've no idea why she's so against me but she says nothing to me and does nothing for me. That's ok for me. When someone ignores me, I'll ignore them back. Quite a natural response for everyone don't you think? However, she's nice to everyone else but me. She paints such a wonderful picture of herself to my relatives till it seems to everyone else that it's my fault that I get the bad vibes.

My dad doesn't contribute to the situation either. Day in and out, he'll scold (yes literally. Not nag but astoundinly loud shoutings that could be heard miles away)me for trying to live in isolation, for not being a part of the family etc. It seems to dad that things like this are like making friends. Go appear friendly and everything else would be alright. Not so.

My dad contradicts himself too. He wants me to be 'part of the family' and to 'help out' . Well, shouldn't families love, support and help each other? I do every damn chore in the house. From washing up to laundry. I even cook. I don't see what they've done for me and honestly, I don't feel 'part of the family'. I don't mind the chores really. Children should help around and that's fine. MY dad has worked so hard to pay off my school fees,living expenses etc...so I shouldn't complain. Yet-being 'family' is more than that. It's welcoming you home when you come back from overseas. It's making sure you eat well and that there's always food on the table. It's communicating and supporting you. Do I get all those? None at all. I live on my own savings now. My dad doesn't give me an allowance anymore. I've to even pay phone bills despite being unemployed for now.

So basically, no one talks to me at home(other than my bro who i hardly see). They scold me, but they don't talk to me. They control everything. Even to the fact on how I put the forks and spoons into the dish shelf. So where's the 'part' that I'm supposed to get? I've no say to everything. It's like living in someone's elses house. Even my aunt don't scold me for the arrangement of cushions.

Since when did dad became this control freak? He used to be quite 'cincai' about everything. These days, he always scolds me for not being helpful etc. As far as I can see, I've been doing EVERYTHING...except for their laundry,and it doesn't seem to count as helping. During when mum was around, she has to slave over everything by herself and he doesn't say a word about not helping?

Why I'm still around is because I still think my dad loves me but has poor communication skills. I'm also trying to be as fillial as I can because I don't revel in rebelling, then again, I absolutely detest the fact that I'm seen as a maid instead of a daughter.

Whenever I go out, I get scolded, not because of anything else, but because nobody would be around to do the chores. If that doesn't make me look like a maid, I don't know what is. There was even a time where I overslept on an afternoon...and the next thing I know, I get an earful from my dad, for not cooking. And by the time I got down, Ah Yee was cooking. She turned to look at me and said, "I didn't cook your share. You should have come down and cook instead of staying put in your room." I was furious when I heard that. I'm some sort of maid earning my keep is it?

But I never said a word. I don't know why I take it so passively. Maybe I thought if I accept it, things would get better and the problem will go away. Not true.

And I did try 'making friends' with Ah Yee. I would say hi whenever I see her and tell her that I'm going out but never one time would she reply. So, hey...I tried..but apparently it's not working.

Sometimes my dad would bring back tidbits from office-did he offer it to my bro and I? Nope. Ah Yee brought back some mooncakes...were we offered? No either. See? What sort of dysfunctional family is this?I brought back souveneirs from Australia for them..they even ate up the stuff that I brought for my friends..yet I said nothing. I don't understand why I've to put up with all this shit really.

Sigh. My writing's not even coherent anymore.

2005-09-05T09:52:00.000-07:00

Long distance relationships not only require a lot of faith, but also a lot of patience and love.

Both Andrew and I've come to a point where we both have immense faith in one another but more than often, our problems doesn't stem from lack of it but rather we're deprived of the physical comfort and assurance we can give each other. There's only so much you can say over a mouthpiece or a mic. Words are no good subtitute either to touch and sight.

And at times like this, we must be strong. We must complete ourselves, take care of our own needs instead of relying on the other party for support and assurance.
Always focus on positives instead of negatives.

Damn. It's just soooo difficult. Especially when the other party's not feeling too good, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Now, that's depressing.

2005-09-01T07:58:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling pretty depressed this days. Like a lost chick. Partly it's my fault, for being so confused, so uncertain and..pah...so weak.

Things aren't great for me now, but is that an excuse? Surely not. Many see that I'm not taking control of the situation, I'm not fighting against the injustice. Only merely allowing the storm to blow my sails into the darkest unknown.

I hate feeling so repressed and...feeling as if I'm contributing to my own woes at the same time. Maybe I just need a rest. Stop thinking about the future and start focussing on the present.

I shouldn't doubt so much.

Maybe what I need is a good full dose of love and care-but without Andrew here, there's no one else. Friends...well...they have other better things to do..as for family...they probably wish I wasn't back. It's only me and only me to rely on.

I should just give myself a hug instead.

2005-08-31T08:37:00.000-07:00

Of broken dreams.

What was I thinking? Choon Ling's question burned in my head. Why did you come back?

Same old, same old question. But no answer.

2005-08-31T08:25:00.000-07:00

Oh wow. I haven't blogged for ages. Amazing. Have I lost my aptitude for words? Or am I just lost for words?

Things have been happening and I'm turning a blind eye to all of them. I'm still in this confused state that I'm nowhere here or there.

People ask of my current life and I tell them two things:bumming and job hunting. Bumming is extremely correct but I don't bum in my own house, so there's a difference. I hop over to my aunt's house every now and then, to have a chat and get opinion on certain things which I can't seem to do so with my family. She's changed dramatically since the last time I stayed in her house. I was a permanent resident in her house for a while when I was doing my certificate studies in IACT. Back then, I feared her prescence because she was domineering and demanding. I'd usually steer myself clear from social activities that happen in the house and only joined them out of necessity. However, these days, she's different. She's more calm and composed. She doesn't reprimand my cousins that much and she shares a lot with me. Talks would revolve around Buddhism,meditation,her family,her childhood, my mum,etc. It was interesting and there were always lessons to learn from. Her warm chatter kept me going,the fact that I felt I'm loved by at least one member of the family. That there's someone out there who'd anticipate my visits and expect nothing else in return.

The job hunting process is another thing. I'm not even sure of the direction I'm heading towards. So much for those bullshit conversations about me having goals and visions. Pure nonsense I tell you. If you believed me, I must apologised for your gullibility. Jon hunting just sound like a better answer than bumming. It connotates constructivity and productivity. Unlike bumming which would just equate me to a sloth. And many keeping popping me this question: Why are you back? Why didn't you stay in Australia? Now I look like a fool who've just let go of a golden opportunity. Many view my desicion of coming back as foolish and ignorant. They think I deserve more. Yeah right.
Anyway, I'm just tired of trying to justify myself. Of reasoning with people why I came back. Maybe I made a mistake, so what? I can't undo it anymore. I'm back here and I just have to make the best out of it. Of course, I'm still considering the options I have over back in Perth but currently, just leave me alone guys, I'm trying to have a god damn holiday!

Maybe I should stop bullshitting about my current status. Because I can't keep lying. Each time ppl ask me about what am I doing now, I say I'm looking for a job. And as if sceptical of my effort, they go, oh really? How many resumes have you sent out? What companies have you applied to? That's when I get stuck. Well screw that man. Next time, I'll just be honest and reply: I'm having a freaking great holiday. Don't you just wish that you're in my shoes?

goodbyes

2005-08-17T20:46:00.000-07:00

Teoh's officially back in Perth, leaving me here all alone. I didn't know seperation could be this hard, to the point where I banned myself from going to the airport to send him off because I was afraid that then, I wouldn't be able to let go.

We've come a long way, 3 years of living together and an additional year of dating. This is the first time after the 3 good years, that we're going to be apart for so long.

There's just too many emotions welling up in me but can't seem to express it. I can't seem to cry, or even feel extraordinarily depressed. My heart only feels this dull and lifeless thud.

Ah well. The vicious circumstances of life! I do hope that he'll be coming back end of this year,even if it's just for 2 weeks(annual Christmas break for employers).

Till then,conversations over the MSN and smses would have to suffice for now.

2005-08-06T23:59:00.000-07:00

These few days had me hanging in a limbo. My days are unorganised and my week goes unplanned. I take each day, one at a time and does whatever that seem most appropriate. I let the wind blow the sails of my ship, allowing it to lead me instead of me trying to grapple with the navigation.

What can I say? I'm still very unhappy about coming back. Shocked? Well, I am myself. I didn't expect things would turn out this way yet it did. Hit me right hard on the face.

I feel like a nomad now. Not here, not there. No family to anchor myself to, except for my elder bro who tried his best to make me feel at home. No room to call my own. No constant friends. Everyone has their own lives now, living their dreams.

Andrew's vacation would soon come to an end and I'd have to face everything on my own now.

I really don't know where to start.

I'm overwhelmed. Yes, I am.

2005-07-26T02:37:00.000-07:00

"Ying..you have a big head and a small body..." Min confided. Her face was expressionless when she said it;only her eyes sparkled with honesty.

"WHAT?"I exclaimed.

"Yes Ying. It doesn't make you dispropotionate but very cute instead."

"You mean like some kind of head knocker?"

"I didn't say that..but now that you mentioned it..." Her mind then probably turned those words into images and she laughed.

"I should have known!"I sighed. "Being fat is better than having a head bigger than your body..."

"Don't worry Ying. Big heads, people say, are smarter than the rest!"

Min isn't exactly tactful about the whole thing but at least she's honest...hahah.
I know I have broad face, but I didn't know it'd be that obvious. Thanks to my dad's side of the family who seem to pass on the ever famous Tey trademark. I don't understand how my brother managed to escape from it...sigh.

Big face, small body, yes-that's me.

More packing woes

2005-07-24T22:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Min,Jason,Andrew and myself sent Junie home. Soon, it'll be my turn, I know. I was anxious seeing Junie checking in because I want to know the baggage allowance. 32 kg that they printed on the freaking white boards in the airport's lobby is bullshit, ok! Junie had 31.5 kg and the lady said no. She said, only 30 kg is allowed. If so, what the hell is the board for? Too much funding that the airport just have to print a couple of misleading boards to play pranks on travellers?
Anyway, Junie pleaded that she was a student going back permanently and after two times, the woman relented.

After all that hoo haa, we said our goodbyes and we waved to her until we saw her dissapearing into the 'passengers only' area. However, from the corner we can see her being stopped by another lady. There was a lot of head nodding and all that. I didn't like the brutal look on the lady. She took Junie's bags and weighed it and then sent Junie out again. WTH?

Apparently Junie has too many hand luggage. She was only supposed to have one but she has two. Her laptop not included. She has a backpack, a laptop, a portfolio bag and a paperbag with two Neo figurines. Eventually, we had to take out her Neo figurines, put her laptop and her portfolio folder into the paperbag and we sent her through. With that, she went in safely.

I was alarmed. Airport security was never this strict before. I never had any problems when I went up to 35kg on checked luggage. Neither did I had any obstacles boarding with 3-4 pieces of hand luggage that in total may weigh up to 10-15 kg. My friends used to joke that because I'm small and take up little space in the plane, they compensated luggage with my weight. However, even Junie has problems now....

Would I encounter so many problems later?
:(

2005-07-23T11:41:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I last experience the chaos in KL. Perth has always been quiet,content and pleasant. It may get a little dull at times but I'm not complaining about the vastness of the place. Sometimes when Woolies get a little crowded, I get annoyed. I'd be found cussing under my breath hoping that everyone would just pack and leave. Then it hit me that I come from a place far worse than this and soon, I'll be returning to it.

Now, that's a disturbing thought.

2005-07-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

I spy with my little eye....it's a four lettered word...almost orgasmic to some...sends most women into this flurry of anticipation...what a magical word it is....could any 4 lettered word be that powerful...the fact that it's not used during verbal assaults yet could still jellify all parts of the female species?

SALE! SALE! SALE! SALE!

Come on, chant it with me!

SALE!SALE!SALE!SALE!

I can see an outline of my itinerary already.

2005-07-23T10:09:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how incredibly bored I am.

Boredom is purgatory. Wait. Slash that. Add 'Worse than' next to the aforementioned.

Sigh. Life is so AIMLESS when you do nothing,you have nowhere to go,you have absolutely NOTHING to do(unless you count surfing the net, SOMETHING)and no reading materials. Every day I die the same death. The next morning when I wake up, the nightmare starts all over again.

Before you guys start trying to suggest something constructive, I thank you first. I know your intentions are good but believe me, I've tried them. There's only so many pictures I can draw, so many variations of dishes that I can cook,so many space in my house to vaccum,so much laundry that I can do,so many stories that I can create, and the list goes on.

GO OUT, someone screams. Nope. Can't do that. I don't have a single cent, why torture myself?

And oh by the way,my resume is almost done so I'm over that.

I also happen to read blogs, faster than the author updates them.

I'm anticipating for Friday to arrive because it is the day of liberation, the end of all this misery.

Yet I know, once I leave, I won't be coming back for a long, long time.

So you see how all this, makes a bitter sweet pudding? I'm not sure whether to swallow it.

2005-07-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

I was browsing through Angus and Robertson's shelves the other day and found some really great english grammar books which I could use to brush up my rusty writing skills. Well, it was a boring Friday evening and while waiting for Andrew, I thought, hey, the bookstore might have something that I just need. I was delighted when I found Penguin's English Reference Books that comes in a box set, going for really cheap. From AUD80 to AUD30. Oh lala. In the box set contains 8 books: Complete Plain Words, Dictionary of Cliches, Writer's Manual, Usage & Abusage, Modern Humourous Quotations, Spelling Dictionary, Proverbs and Mind the Gaffe. Isn't that a bargain?

Ok, I know it's a little weird for me to go gushing over English reference books but I've got to admit, albeit a little shamefully, that I needed it. Yes, I really do. Can't you see the blog I've got here is littered with grammatical errors, poor phrasal syntax,rhetorics,cliches etc? That's really a no-no for an aspiring copywriter/screenwriter or even for an unemployed graduate who's bent on securing a decent employment.

Anyway, I stood there quite a long time, staring at the books while my head played ping pong. "Yes? No? Yes? No?"
In the end, I left the shop, empty handed but acknowledging the fact that I'll be back for the books.

However, I thought wrong. Today, I tried packing again and the amount of rubbish that I've accumulated in 3 yrs surmounted to a grand total of 53kg!! There's no way I could have space allocated for more BOOKS! And I still have a huge wardrobe of clothings which I didn't pack in. Most of them are old stuff which I haven't touched for ages and the rest are winter clothings. 53 kg also do not include certain stationeries,my CPU,the toiletries, Andrew's luggage,souveneirs and my portfolio. YIKES! In the end, I had to toss out some more advertising annuals into the boxes that are staying back in Perth and took the rest of the more important stuff, spread it out between two backpacks that would go into hand luggage and pray for God's mercy that they'd allow us to board the plane on Friday.

If you see me online on MSN on 29th July,Friday,6pm, you'd know that I failed to go home.

Wish me luck.

And oh, goodbye Penguin Boxset....sob sob. Hopefully I'll find you in Malaysia; if we're destined to meet.

Is it worth it?

2005-07-20T23:03:00.000-07:00

There was a time where I confided with Min, confessing that I felt akward in a presence of who I supposedly called a close friend. At that time, I could't pull apart what's making me feel that way but it's a feeling that I couldn't shake. I can no longer deny that barricade that I sensed between her and I. Am I paranoid or merely oversensitive? Min assured me I was not since she said she too experienced that for a while but that feeling, like how all feelings are, were impermanent and fleeted away. She assured me not to worry and let time does its work.

Not until now, I decided to check into this feeling and then discovered that the 'weird' feeling was deep dissapointment. She has betrayed my trust and crossed the lines.

I believe that relationships are like bank accounts. If you don't put in money, don't expect to take something out. Sure, they're overdrafts, credits and mortgages, but when the account's dry, there's nothing left. More than often, relationships need to be reinforced and cannot be taken for granted. Same goes with friendship. You can't always take. You have to give as well.

As for my case, I've always given. Each time where I sensed she needed help, I volunteered to help her out even though it's inconvenient or something. However, I wasn't appreciated. That's not a problem but whenever I needed help, never once she would volunteer. Instead, each time, I'm left to my own agenda, to fend for myself. Unconditional love is noble but I don't think I can live up to that virtue. There's only so much one can expect out of friendship.

It's beginning to take toll on me and I don't like it one bit. Maybe I should just let it be. However, with her being so selfish, I doubt I'd feel happy to give her a hand anymore. I just might albeit reluctantly. It's a shame really. I really thought of her as a good friend.

2005-07-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

You wake up in a start, with hair strewn all over your face. As your fuzzy vision starts to clear, you begin to make out a squarish outline of something very bright, unblinking and white. Somewhere not too far away, you hear a distinct hum of machinery:slow, constant and monotonous.

You have no idea where you are for that split second. That it dawned you, damn, you fell asleep in front of your PC.

Your hand reaches out to the nearest thing possible which could tell the time:your mobile phone. You press the buttons and it flashes out neon lights, indicating it is 3.53am.

What?

You then walk groggily into the kitchen, wanting to soothe your parched throat. You forgot how long since you last had some liquid.

You shakily take a mug, while shaking in the cold,and fills it with cold water from the tap.

God, you thought. It must be 3 degrees now and you've yet to take the second bath for the day. You then groan inwardly,acknowledging the impending doom ahead.

Note: A truthful account of a net junkie. Sigh. I think I better get more constructive before leaving Perth.

It's official!

2005-07-18T09:47:00.000-07:00

I just received a letter from the Graduations Office of Curtin, notifying me that I've completed the course that I've nominated and now I can choose the convocation date that I desire!

Three cheers for the half starved mouse who have been waiting (for so god damned long) for this rapturous moment to occur!

A couple of close buds and I have chose to attend the convo early next year because the one that Curtin's puling off during Sept would only be half arsed. The event would not even be held at the famous John Curtin grounds, what more fireworks and the lot?

Nah. We'll wait. Next Feb it is.

Say what?

2005-07-18T08:35:00.000-07:00

Your Career Type: Enterprising

You are engertic, ambitious, and sociable.
Your talents lie in politics, leading people, and selling things or ideas.

You would make an excellent:

Auctioneer - Bank President - Camp Director
City Manager - Judge - Lawyer
Recreation Leader - Real Estate Agent - Sales Person
School Principal - Travel Agent - TV Newscaster

The worst career options for your are investigative careers, like mathematician or architect.

What's Your Ideal Career?

2005-07-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

Some people are closer to perfection than others. You'd know what I mean when you surf and come across blogs or websites of these tremendously successful women or men who has it all. Looks,social network,intelligence,personality,charisma and talent. What more can you ask for?

Sometimes when you come across such significant figures over the web, you can't help but to go into this self denial stage where you console yourself that such gorgeous personalities might not be as real as you think in real life. There's this yearning hope, that somewhere out there, God is fair. He wouldn't breathe all his magic dust of creation into this person and leave the rest lacking of everything else.

Sigh. That won't happen. Like what else is new?

And oh I must add-the internet is an evil portal.
It has caused discontented mortals like me to suffer. Maybe ignorance IS bliss afterall.

-_- I'm not making much sense am I? Don't worry,I hardly understood myself sometimes.

P.S-I should be ashamed of myself for writing such a childish post. Oh well.

Say it loudly..and proudly....

2005-07-17T08:07:00.000-07:00

If you have a chance to play your own parents and decides to name yourselves for once, what would it be? Shudders* I really don't wanna know. Got tagged by Midnite Lily
so here goes.

1. YOUR STAR NAME
(name of first pet + street you live on):
Wasabi Forrest (Gaijin?)

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME
(grandmother's/father's first name + favorite snack):
Tai Chai Gummi (sounds like some chinese startlet from the past)

3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME
(first word you see on your left + favorite restaurant):
Tajino Taka (Honto? Nihon jin desu?)

4. YOUR SOCIALITE NAME
(silliest childhood nickname + first town where you partied):
Mouse PJ

5. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME
(first initial + first three letters of your last name):
TYIN (WTH??) (Was corrected by Midnite Lily..thanks! :)

6. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME
(favorite animal + name of high school):
Horse Bukit Nanas

7. YOUR BARFLY NAME
(last snack food you ate + your favorite drink):
Smiths Teh Ais (Can't see this coming, can ya?)

8. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME
(middle name + city where you were born):
Kher Kuala Lumpur (>_<)

9. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME
(favorite candy + favorite musician's last name):
Joosters Emmanuel

10. YOUR OPPOSITE SEX NAME
(name of [opposite sex] friend + cell phone company you use):
Chiat 3G

11. YOUR STAR WARS NAME
(first 3 letters of your last name + last 3 letters of mother's maiden name /+/ first 3 letters of your pet's name + first 3 letters of the town you live in)

Teysoon Wasper...(garrrr)

12. I know this is a name test but, name three people you want to take this test.

Marie

and

Momo Jojo

....an internet junkie can't count either! ^_^

2005-07-14T09:27:00.000-07:00

My bro surprised me by inviting me for a Cherating trip once I go home.

How many people going?

Me and you only lah.

Oh.

What to do there?

Cherating is all about beaches! Water activities loh..

Oh.

I don't have any bikini woh.

You got something to show meh?

No. Small boobs, bad skin..show what..

Then?

But over here hoh..if you wear a full piece swimming suit, you feel like an old aunty. Nobody here wears a full swim suit to beach.
Aiyo..even old auntie here suntan topless here lah.

PHWOAR!

Italics:My bro.

2005-07-14T08:46:00.000-07:00

People have such misconceptions about me. Just because I'm small(see, I don't even have to defend myself by using the word petite), standing only at about 5 ft tall, have short legs and a big face (some mentioned cute but me thinks it's only courteous not to call a persona dwarf in front of you), doesn't mean I can't do sports or many other activities that requires physical strength.

So, I can't take things off the supermarket shelves if the stuff are stored at the highest corner, but hey, I got stamina that can outlast anyone of you ok?

I remembered my first time answering to Chiat's challenge:to run the 10km PJ Half Marathon. He didn't exactly challenged me(or maybe he did; I don't know)but he wanted me to join him so that he wouldn't be in the race alone. However, he's eying the 21km marathon medal while I was a pure marathon virgin. At 15, you don't expect my short legs to conquer 21km right? So I registered under the under-18 yr old category:girls. Yeah what,under 18 mah..not a yet a woman so, girls category loh.

It was 2 months before the race and Chiat told me I've got to train for it or else I might end up with a cramp. My previous experience in sports was only competitive swimming and maybe sprinting, but not long distance running. But hey, there was still 2 months ahead of me, I shouldn't be worried.

Only did I know, training was pure torture. It was hard to push myself when you don't have a running kaki. Chiat trains by himself because he stays in PJ while I'm stuck in a god-forsaken area called Tmn Melawati. However my mum volunteered to take part in this informal training of mine. Her job was simple. She measured the distance I had to run ,from the road in front of my house(Jalan N2) to Jalan N9. That's 500m she told me so I've gotta run through and fro to make 1km.

I tried to make this running thing a routine of mine every weekend but that was a hoot. Each time, after 2km, I'd have to stop for a break. Once I take a break, that's the end of my training. Haha. The longest I ran without stopping was 5km. After that, my legs would wobble like jelly and I know my training has come to an end.

My mother was worried that I couldn't run the whole race. I was worried too and yet I didn't show it. I could only curse my big mouth and swore never to chew more than I can bite.

What was worse was...I fell down 3 days before the big day and grazed my knees badly. I missed a step and came crashing down on the hard concrete near my school.

The wounds however healed fast and what's left was a hardened scab and some icky yellowish thing that oozes out occasionally without my permission.

Sunday came and we had to be in Kelana Jaya stadium(was that the place or somewhere else. I don't remember)by 5 am. I felt a few drops on my head and I looked up into the sky, wondering whether will it pour. It did at 6.30 am. The run has already started.

What was a drizzle became a pour. It was horrible but enthusiasts kept running anyway. I couldn't kept my pace steady all the time so I found myself walking and then running again. However no matter what happened, I kept moving, not wanting the momentum to stop.

I was very, very tempted to stop and just drop out of the race. The fatigue was killing me. But in the end I didn't. I don't know what came over me that day but I finished the race.

In my head were jumbled thoughts which kept repeating, :"One more km, one more km.."

I ran through the finishing line with triumph written clearly on my face and guess what, I got a medal for being one of the Top 30 winners in my category. I think I clinched number 28 or something like that but that was good enough for me.

Ever since then, I knew I was capable of doing more sports like this. Just as long as I keep training, I'll get better.

So please ah..just because I'm small doesn't mean I can't do nuts ok....

Note: Yes..this is a post to salvage whatever ego and confidence I have left...gloat gloat..*grins

The net junkie is starting to feel the pinch

2005-07-14T06:40:00.000-07:00

(Curtin's architecture faculty. My classes are held there as well.)

What do you do when you want to have fun but you're not allowed to spend a single cent? The rules of this game also forbids you to surf the net or stay at home. There is a transportation and food budget. Pleasure that comes with a price is not allowed either.

Min and I have been cracking our brains to think up of the things we could do that promises a degree of physical activity and anticipation of fun.

Here are the list that we managed to come up with:

1.Go to the beach and have a photo shoot. A good time to put together a scrapbook that consists of my last memories before I leave Perth, for good.
(However there'd be cost on film rolls and developing since I no longer own a digital camera. Pah. No good.Photography is expensive in Australia if you don't own a digital camera.)

2. Street photography. (Might not be feasible. Read reasons above.)

3. Take a bus. A long ride to somewhere far and foreign.

4. Wear our shirts inside out and walk around the city to see whether would anyone tap us on our shoulders to notify us politely that our shirts are actually inside out.

5. Busking in the city. Unfortunately, we predict that we might get arrested for causing an epidemic of earache.

6.Window shopping. Boring. Been there, done that.

7. Go to the beach again. This time, just do to cartwheels and built sand castles. Hehe. Though we might catch pneumonia under this crappy weather!

The best option is still number 3. The more we thought about it, the more excited we got. We've always seen this public bus, roaming around Perth, going to this place called Secret Harbour. Now, wouldn't you feel curious about a place with a name like that? Certainly it wouldn't be an ordinary place...well..at least it's a harbour..haha. We checked the Transperth(the local Perth transport network. Equivalent to the Intrakota services in Msia)online and found out that it's near Mandurah. That's like an hour away from Perth. Sounds perfect! A long journey, not knowing where exactly you're going: a mysterious destination.

Tickets are AUD3 each because we're students! woohoo!That's REALLY CHEAP!
We're planning to pack a picnic or something.

What are we going to do there? Heaven knows. Whatever it is, it definitely will not incur further cost.

P.S-Fine. I'm a deprived child who yearns to live like those characters out of Enid Blyton's books, so sue me.

Brain freezing up this winter

2005-07-13T11:48:00.000-07:00

I realise that I produce better work with a deadline looming above my head;one that threatens to thunder and pour on me if I don't get my ass moving and see the work through.

Funny. I thought I crack under pressure,like an ornate china which is as fragile as can be. The work that I come up with, would undergo this blah screening stage where I'd look back, edit the end result and sigh about the that the work is only OK lah.

Uncanny but true. When the much dreaded results come out, the feedback is usually better than I thought, far exceeding my expectations.

Does that mean to say that my standards are high? Blah work is good work in the view of others? Or does it tell me that I'm easily contented with the blah work and would submit the crappy stuff that I did within whatever time I got left, anyway?

The thing is-I gripe and complain about the semester:how tough it was, how close I am to quitting, how I wish my tutors would ease our burden and forget the miserable things called deadlines, that I'd produce BETTER work if I have more time to work with or wasn't under any pressure of any sorts...yet...

I don't see myself doing anything constructive with all the time I have now! I'm highly unproductive these holidays. There are short stories waiting to be written, scripts waiting to be edited, concepts waiting to be developed, snapshots to be taken, moments to be filmed..and what the hell am I doing now?

Sad but true, I'm in my pajamas, staring at the unrelenting blinking white screen, with my brains asleep and my fingers active.

Talk about rotting this winter!

2005-07-12T23:14:00.000-07:00

You won't be seeing much pictures posted up from now on because just yesterday, I said goodbye to an old dear friend of mine.

THIS.

(Fujifilm S602Z)

The camera wasn't mine. I asked Marco if I could borrow me his camera for the semester so that I could do my photo shoots and he passed his trusty old Fujifilm S602Z to me. He even passed me a polarising filter just in case I found it useful....It was a great camera and served my academic and cam whoring purposes. It's hard not to like the chunky thing you know. It takes amazingly good pics(though it has some low light issues) and the colours...man..fujifilm never goes wrong in colours. Always so vibrant and vivid.

Now that it's gone, I'm doomed to live my life without a gadget to mess with again.

I'm now eyeing at this...

(A spanking newly released Sony H1 with an amazing 12x optical zoom)

and this....
(A Panasonic FZ5, also with 12x optical zoom.)

...........with my first pay cheque. (I wonder when would the rapturous moment be.)

Paintings

2005-07-12T06:34:00.000-07:00

What a constructive Monday! See what I did after waking up at 12 pm? Instead of sitting in front of the Pc screen, surfing, I actually managed to come up with this!

(Based on an internet image)

And this!

(Based on an internet image as well..that kid in the picture was cute! Unfortunately my sketching did him no justice)

All these within 3 hours and a couple of Neri Per Caso songs replaying on my Windows Media Player.

But it's been a long time since I wielded a brush or a pencil for artistic purposes...so a bit pai seh if the paintings got no standard ah... ^_^

The best part of this activity was, I managed to stay put at home and didn't waste a single cent...woo hoo..if only I could stick to this routine more often.

2005-07-09T03:42:00.000-07:00

Money problems. I have quite a number of financial issues which I usually don't go into detail but to salvage the sanity of my mind, I must. And it's also a piece of courteous advice to those who plan to mug, rob or take advantage of me because I'm simply worthless. Don't waste your time trying to hack into my bank account because there's absolutely nothing in it.

Today Andrew and I sat down again, to settle financial issues. I hate these 'money sessions' because I usually feel quite upset and helpless at the end of the entire ordeal. Andrew would take precautions to speak cautiously just in case he upset the tear ducts in my eyes. He hates it as I do but what must be done, have to be done.

Now I'm leaving Perth and there's still a significant amount of money that I owe him. What more, I even needed him to subsidise certain stuff and also to loan me more money.

I came to Perth, quite penniless. My dad wasn't exactly approving of me coming here to study for 3 years but I came anyway. With his old-school thinking, a local degree or an international one wouldn't make much of a difference. My young and naive mind told me otherwise and I managed to convince him to 'invest' in education. I might have taken a wrong path, then again, I wouldn't say I've regretted the desicion.

I don't come from a wealthy family so I do understand that my uni fees are starting to take toll on him. Other than uni fees, production units require plenty of materials and expensive books. Advertising and film is all about observation of culture and what better ways to do it than to immerse yourself in mags, events, movies etc?

I took a couple of part time jobs to ease his burden yet sometimes it wasn't enough. Andrew had to pay stuff for me, using his own allowances. Then, he was still doing his thesis and his money came from his dad. Naturally he wants to pay his dad back. However, after he graduated and got himself a job as a graduate architect, he helps me out by paying my share of the rent and all utilities' bills. That is infact a lot! I truly felt bad about the matter but I couldn't do anything about it. My part time jobs are enough just to support my other living expenses like hp bills,food and transport. However, I do contribute by buying groceries and all that. When I was working, it was easy because I can pay for my share (ie:dinner,bubble tea etc)because I was earning but now, I no longer am.

Andrew already long stopped trying to keep tabs with the amount of money I owed him. He managed to round up the whole sum to be at least AUD2800 and he told me to just settle that and forget about the rest.

So far, I managed to reduce that debt to at least AUD2000. Now with bond money and the tax I could claim from my income tax, I could further reduce that money to maybe AUD1000. Andrew assured me kindly that it's ok and maybe just pay off the rest when I start working. Ok. Now what I am going to do when I go home? I probably need some money to start of with before I get a job. Trivial things like transport and food needs money.

Don't you have an allowance from your dad?

Well, I'm not exactly sure whether am I still entitled to claim allowances since now I'm a graduate. I'm suppose to give my dad money, not take money from him, god damn it!

Sigh. I'm so upset at myself for being so dependent on Andrew. I'm not a keen believer that boyfriends should help you pay for the life you live because they too have their own lives to manage. Besides, Andrew's saving up to buy a car and a house-I can't just keep freeloading off him!

I'm so depressed now, each time I think about my past spending habits. I'm not someone who's able to save a lot but I'm trying. I'm learning.
These days, ever since I stopped working, I stopped thinking about buying stuff for my personal pleasure. I had to forgo shoes, digital cameras, books, skincare products, etc etc. I try to eat home as much as I can and minimise social outings. I'd help Andrew cook lunch so that he can bring a lunch box to office instead him spending on lunch. Food here is so expensive compared to Msia! 8 dollars for a decent meal. Unlike Msia, you can get food and drinks for under RM3.50. AUD3.50 here would only get you a regular latte at cafes.

Andrew consoled me and told me that he'll try to help me out. If my dad wouldn't give me an allowance, he'll pass me some money to start of initially. Something like capital to start of a business.

He hugged me and told me between my sobs that maybe things are happening for a reason. Maybe I just have to go through these tough times and such humiliation so that I'd learn how to appreciate money in future. That maybe all these bad weather would teach me the lessons that I needed to learn so that when sunshine appears, I'd make full use of it.

I wish I could be such an optimist.

As for the boyfriend, I love him to bits for being so understanding. He's not exactly happy with the situation but he'd still give me a hand up.

Crossing my fingers that I'll find a decent job soon(with ok salary). I'm just so doubtful.

2005-07-08T06:11:00.000-07:00

At Perth Railway Station today, I was greeted with an uncanny vision of two very well dressed policemen. What I mean by well-dressed is that, they have their gears in places,with portable mics and all that.Almost as handsome as those guys in SWAT.

This is weird, I pointed out to Min. Usually the policemen that hangs around the railway station wear checkered blue caps and blue cotton shirts. That's about it. The only weapon I'll see is probably a gun or a baton-but whoa-bullet proof vests?

Must be the London explosions kua, Min answered.

Perth woh! Terrorists know where Perth is, meh???!!! Wanna bomb also bomb Sydney or Canberra first la wei....

2005-07-08T04:38:00.000-07:00

People had their ears go sore when they hear me whine about how lonely I was in Perth. Somehow, I didn't get to meet the right people.
All wrong channels, I thought to myself.

For a while, I was quite a hermit. Other than Andrew, there was virtually no one at all, for me to pour my heart out, have girly talks together, cry on someone's shoulder and all that. I had many hi and bye friends. We hung out, we talk and we laugh, but at the end of the day, I go home, feeling quite empty.

Then I met Marie. She turned out to be my friend's cousin's FTV assignment group mate. We didn't turn into best friends over night, but through the years, our friendship progressed steadily. We don't have to meet every day to become great friends. Each time we meet each other, we'd pick up from the past, just like that.

Min. I first met her when during Andrew's friends' convocation. She turned out to be Andrew's friend's friend. Wow-what a complicated relationship. I didn't think much about her till much later, I saw her familiar bespectacled figure, turning up in my creative ad process class. She struck me as different because she speaks excellent english without any asian accent. Turned out that she's a malaysian, brought up in HK, and has permanent residency in Shanghai. We were very close now. Funny how bitching about classes and advertising can bond two people together. Now our friendship goes beyond that. She's my confidante, my sister, my bitching partner, my makan partner (we love food!!), my brainstorming sidekick and all that. I wonder how much she's worth if I'd to pay her since she has so many job descriptions. People say we look alike. We noticed. We even have same surnames, what do you think?

Esther. I met her at the very first International Students Committee meeting. It was winter I remember. I asked, "Oh, so you're coming to volunteer as well? Do you know where's the meeting? I think I'm lost." Or somewhere along the lines. We're both very different yet some how we clicked. She's a math genius, I'm not, I do creative stuff, she doesn't, she's brash and in your face, while I'm sneaky and subtle, but we both share one thing: We're simple and down to earth. Haha. We're no fashionistas, we lack elegance and hardly what you call in cantoneese:'see mun', and we indulge in many simple pleasures because our lack of money couldn't afford us anything else. We laugh like hyenas, we're boisterous and loud, we are damn 'cho-lor' and we're the pioneers of a gang called the 'Siao Char Bohs'. Go figure.

Well, well. Looks like I do meet significant people in less significant places. I'm going to miss these people and a handful more when I leave. Note: I say a handful because my social life here is truly limited. That's why you see the same old faces appearing in my photographs. But these 'handful' of people would make my heart ache A LOT.

2005-07-08T03:33:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm going to leave Perth soon. I've always thought about how much I wanted to go back, how much fun I can have back in KL, how much good food we have, how I like KL despite the screwed-up system and all that, yet now that I'm going home, permanently, my heart's a little sore.

2005-07-07T03:37:00.000-07:00

When you're young, you think yourself invincible. You think you're smart, top of the social rank, witty and with looks to boot. You bouy yourself in this fantasy, thinking that you can achieve whatever you've set out to achieve. You think everyone likes you. They adore you like fans. You think the whole world owes you a living. You think earth would stop spinning just because you don't feel up to it.

What happens when you wake up to find all these, just senseless fantasies of a youth? Your hand reaches out but grasping nothing. Everything harped into your brains are fake. Ideas turn into delusions. Visions merge with hallucinations.

What then?

Do you want to continue to sleep, to go on dreaming or wake up and taste the real world?

Maybe somewhere along between making the desicion and taking time to consider your options, is where life starts. And along the way, you learn. Ultimately, you'll make the final decision.

However no matter which direction life takes you, practise humility because it'll make you go places.

2005-07-06T07:32:00.000-07:00

I just typed a super long ass email to Ben, pressed the Sent button and was looking forward to his reply. What came in 10 minutes later was:

The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----
(ben@emailaddress.com)
    (reason: 552 message size of 4768579 bytes exceeds site limit of 
4096000 bytes)

What was that supposed to mean?

Damn.

2005-07-06T02:51:00.000-07:00

This is kind of stale but well, since I did promise to blog about it, I must.

Chow Sing Chi movie marathon (Continued from the previous KFC post)

After KFC, Jason drove us home. He stays in this nice surburb called Riverton. Looks like one of those Neighbours setting doesn't it? It's really nice and quiet there, unlike where I'm living now, which looks like a replica of HDB flats in Singapore.

(The evening sky enhanced our anticipation)

(Jason's house number. According to him, 23 is his lucky number. He turned into a staunch believer ever since he won some cash in Burswood Casino by using it. I wish I can find MY lucky number.)

That night, we had pizza dinner and the plan was to watch as many chow sing chi comedies as we can. Being international students (some are already residents while Jason's a citizen), we're constantly deprieved of Asian entertainment. We grew up on these stuff, we remember every cheesy one liners that is to learn despite the fact that we can hardly utter a word of Mandarin(I can though..), we remember the sequences and the facial expressions perfectly and we laugh about them ad nauseam.

However, we didn't have that many Chow Sing Chi DVDs lined up so we cheated and inserted some other retro chinese comedies. We managed to stomach at least 5 in one go. The first show was some old chinese comedy(produced in 1993) which starred Tony Leung Ka Fai, Tony Leung Chiu Wai, Jacky Cheung,Carina Lau, Maggie Cheong,Ling Ching Hsia and a couple more. It was so funny that we almost lost our heads, laughing. We then had A Chinese Odyssey(Cheong Sai Keng) Part 1 and 2 which is almost like a sequel to Journey to The West. The infamous shouts of Bo yee Bo lo meee...came from that movie. Then, we watched Hail The Judge which also starred Chow Sing Chi and Ng Man Tat.

(A scene from Hail The Judge)

And lastly, we ended with a more subdued show which starred Jet Li instead in The Tai-Chi master.

Ah... a sudden mass consumption of HK cinema in a night goes to show that our movie marathon was a success! None slept but many had jaw aches after that.
Later, I stayed up to read Maya by Jostein Gaarder by the heater. It was a luxury to let the fire warm my feet while I turn the pages.

(I wish there was a real fireplace though then I wouldn't need to pretend. Hehe..)

Min, Andrew and I slept over at Jason's house. It was 3am by the time we climbed into bed.
Min and I were quite excited because it was the first time we had a sleep over which wasn't work related.

(See the happy faces? We're deprived.)

The morning after, it took them two loud alarm rings and Jason jumping on the bed to wake us up.

(We were simply reluctant to have intrusion during our precious sleep)

(Jason made instant noodles for breakfast)

(Mass cooking! Not too bad since the noodles didn't get too soggy or too dry.)

(Breakfast was accompanied by a glass of Ribena, each. You would have thought in Aussie, we should be drinking juice or milk instead..haha!)

(See! Told you I'm not a morning person)

2005-07-05T04:06:00.000-07:00

Today I witnessed a pick pocketer in action. Unfortunately, I didn't catch her red handed as I was quite unsure of what I saw. And only after my mind fully digested my vision, it was already too late.

I was at Nine West with Min, window shopping as usual. The stuff there didn't interest me much so I meandered around the shop while Min took a closer look at the heels that she wanted. I bumped into a lady unknowingly and then apologised for my clumsiness. I remembered she was an Australian indigenous and she was quite well dressed. She wore a black turtle neck and wore socks with slippers, which was rather unusual.

Anyway, the both of us were making our way out when I saw this hand slipping into a Burberry handbag which was hanging on a baby's pram. Two old Asian ladies were talking amongst themselves and apparently, was quite oblivious to the whole incident. The hand silently and swiftly wiped out a cream coloured purse and then- I never saw what happened next because Min and I walked out of the shop.

I was befuddled and was uncertain in ways to respond to the situation. At first I thought the hand belongs to a relative or a friend of the two old ladies but when I looked up, it was the indigenous lady that I bumped into! I didn't know whether to scream for theft because at that split second, I didn't trust my vision. It wasn't as if I could confirm with someone about what I witnessed. What if I did ring the alarm bells but was wrong? What if the lady denied my claims? 30 secs later, I was confiding with Min what I saw and she insisted that I should let the ladies know. So we went back into the shop to look for the thief but she was gone. The two old ladies still didn't know until we told them. It turned out that it belongs to a younger lady who was trying on some shoes nearby. The two old ladies might be her mum or aunt or someone.

She panicked and asked me which way did the pick pocketer go. I shook my head and mumbled I don't know. I felt like kicking my own ass because I really didn't know. We went all the way to the train station, searching for the lady but there were no signs of her.

In the end, we went back to the shop and reported to security. Unfortunately they didn't have cameras in the shop but the storeperson contacted the city's security. I've to keep repeating the description of the lady to the authorities until I got confused myself. The only vivid picture I had in mind then was the hand swipping the purse and nothing else. The lady went back again to check her handbag and found out that only her cream purse is missing. Her 'other' purse which contained more money was not, her passports were still intact and her mobilephone was safe.

Hopefully they can find the thief. The security guy said there are cameras around the city and might be able to track the thief down. Again, I felt bad because the whole thing happened too fast before my eyes and I could have notified them about the missing purse earlier. I could have just been a little bolder and yelled theft when I witnessed the process.

Sigh. I'm now left with many 'if only-s'. The lady thanked me for telling her yet I don't think I deserve any of her gratitude. I didn't help her salvage her missing purse, that's for sure.
Min and I later continued to look around the city, with high hopes in finding back the purse but to no avail.

Now I know why some by standers don't help when they see an accident or theft.Because sometimes, they just don't know how to react or deal with the situation. Looks like I'll make a lousy cop, if ever I wanted to become one.

I still feel horrible inside because I could have done something but I didn't! Bad kamma, me thinks. This is my punishment for being stupid and slow. I think it's going to take a toll on my conscience for quite sometime.

2005-07-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

Brunch in the evening

Naturally we were quite hungry after all that walking. We were quite indesicive about what to eat since it was already 4pm. We wanted something quick, cheap and at the same time, satisfying. We settled for fast food, since that's the only sort which qualify for all criterias stated above. KFC it is! Now, to us, KFC isn't just any fast food. When Andrew and I were still staying at McKay St, we would pay KFC in Karawara a visit at least 2-3 times a week. It is indeed a distance away from home yet we would painstakingly take a long walk there and then emerge from KFC with contented smiles plastered on our faces.

So we found a KFC outlet in Riverton Forum which is 3 minutes away from Jason's house. Afterall, we'd be going back to Jason's house for the movie marathon so the nearer, the better!

(Presenting you, KFC in Perth...)

(Any difference to the ones in KL?)

(Of course there is. Look at this-Batman promotions in KFC!)

(Asked Min what she wanted. She didn't care, she only wanted it quick because she's damn hungry!)

(Jason said, "I want it hot and spicy-LIKE ME!)

(Andrew reading Archie while waiting)

(In the end, we got a family feast or something like that. One large potato and gravy, one large coleslaw, 10 pieces of chicken, One 1.5l of Solo and one large chips)

One good thing about KFC's here is you can mix and match between Hot and Spicy and Original chicken pieces. The chips here are also larger and chunkier-to suit the big appetites of a regular Australian.

(Fat fries, unlike the scrawny ones from McDonalds.)

(Andrew said the chicken pieces here are bigger compared to the ones in KL. Really meh?)

2005-07-04T04:53:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday was very eventful hence to blog every activity that we did would make up a very long post. To save your eye muscles from wearing themselves out, I've decided to cut it up into 4 sections, namely: The Shopping in the morning, The Brunch in the evening, The Chow Sing Chi movie marathon at night and Post movie marathon:The morning after.

The Shopping in the morning

We started out fresh and early on Saturday morn to join in the shopping madness that's happening in Perth. You see, Perth's having end of the financial year sales and it seems that the entire Perth population is out there to shop! Worse still, Saturday is the second LAST day of the city wide sales, so go figure.

(The four letter word that send all girls crazy)

(We have to window shop due to financial constraints)

We went into to our favourite shoe store: Zomp and ogled at the pretty shoes on the shelves

(The outstanding one for me on that day was this pair! Unfortunately it wasn't on discount...)

(Min and I cam whoring in Zomp)

Then, we went on to Wanderlust, another designer store for shoes. More yummylicious shoes on display!

(These pretty soles are enough to make any shoe nut naik miang!)

I think Australians take their shoes pretty seriously. Look at their shop layouts and the variety of designs offered! However the price made it so hard for us to purchase. Poor students like Min and I usually have to wait till summer or winter promotions to get good deals. I don't mind waiting for such pretty shoes though!

Coming out from Wanderlust, we passed by a dentist practice. Look at that sign! How ornate and quaint! It is truly unusual because usually clinic signs are quite sterile and cold. I wouldn't mind paying them a visit..hehe!

(PS-I have to apologise for the bad photographic compositions because store photography is not encouraged. Didn't have much time to focus or think about how I should frame it as I had to rely on my uunpolished paparazzi skills to capture them. )

2005-07-03T05:30:00.000-07:00

I asked The Boyfriend to cook dinner. One out of 7 days, isn't so hard right? He said won't you come and help me?

I huffed and said, Oi, all those times when I cooked for you...I did it all by myself...why can't you do the same thing too?

So, you don't want to help me la...

That boy, he's getting cockier and cockier each day. Ever since I finished my semester, he gave all responsibilities to me, to cook and to clean.

I earn the money, you take care of the house lah..

What?

Now I can hear him muttering and cussing under his breath. The pots and pans are clanging extra loud today.

Pampered man!

2005-07-03T03:31:00.000-07:00

Just the other day, I was chatting with Yan over MSN and she lamented how depressing it is to be bored. I emphatised and told her that I'll send a song over to cheer her up. Now, this is not just ANY song. It's a Neri Per Caso song, and that could only mean one thing: The song would send fly you gently, like a warm Mediterranean breeze, to a place where only sunflowers and blue skies exist. I remembered my first time, listening to songs by Neri Per Caso. It was Viva La Mama and I almost cried in delight. First few seconds into the song, my mood catapulted from rock bottom to high esctacy. The sultry and sexy voices of the Italian sextet turned my legs in jello and my body into mush. And then, once I gott over the first few words, I found myself snapping fingers to their crisp harmonies. I felt like standing up and dance,but unfortunately, I was trapped in a car at that moment.

Ah, I never knew such joy. I know the acapella genre could be fun, but not this overwhelming. It feels like mandarin orange gelato melting on the tips of your tongue. Then at the end of the song, I realised that I don't even understand a single word of the lyrics(it's in Italian) yet I didn't care,I only want more of it. Yes-it is that powerful.

So anyway, I went to my Hamtaro CD wallet to hunt that CD down...

and guess what?
I couldn't find it!

Yes-I flipped, double flipped..tripple flipped yet there was no trace of the CD. At that very second, residents of East Perth could hear an anguish howl coming from Unit 5 of Building 18. I turned my room inside out, searching for the CD but to no avail.

Sigh* I think I've to resort to downloading Neri Per Caso's mp3s off Limewire, but it wouldn't be the same, ever again.

I'm incredibly saddened that it happened to my Neri Per Caso cd instead of the others.

:(

Turning points in life

2005-07-01T00:28:00.000-07:00

I'm done with my degree, now what?

I know I don't have the luxury to bum around for a couple of months, travel or do anything else that requires money. The minute I touch down KL, I'll be greeted with Dad's face, with an expectant look, that it's time for me to stop wasting money and start earning some for once. Those part time waitressing jobs I do here, don't count. I can no longer waste my time, looking around for internship or ogle at casual employments that's fun to do yet would do nothing for my future. In reality, once my results are released, I already belong to the corporate world. Surely a career is a shallow anchor in life, nonetheless a very important one. I've learnt it through very, very tough ways, the importance of money and savings. I'm not obsessed by it but I know the value of it and how hard it is to come by. Those times when I have live on only 8 dollars in my bank account and 5 dollars cash in hand was incredibly traumatising, yet an enlightening lesson indeed.

Hopefully, I can find a job soon, so that I can relieve my family's burden and to start saving up for the future. Andrew's already making financial plans so that he can secure a house soon. As for me, I can't help but to feel ashamed that I couldn't contribute because I haven't had a job just yet.

Square one. What job should I go for? I know, looking for an entry level position means I shouldn't be picky. I'm not really. I'm contented enough if given a chance to learn and at the same time, generating a decent income out of all those sweat and time. I've career goals and dreams, but I believe that foundation of success has to be built and just like everyone else, I surely have to start from somewhere. My degree in Mass Comm, specialising in both Creative Advertising and Film and TV is versatile. I suppose I could pick up any offers which deals with media, advertising, production, events, writing or simply communications, in general. Yet at times, I feel I'm a jack of all trades, master of none. I know bits and pieces of the film industry, I've done art direction and copywriting for mock ads, I can offer conceptualising of a storyboard or even just plain marker rendering, I can write a little, draw a little, talk a lot...what else? With such trivial skills, I doubt I could fully tell the interviewer that I'm competent enough to understand the whole works of a certain industry. Dilemma.

My first love was writing. I yearned to be a copywriter. Yet, my 3 yrs of education pushed me towards art direction,thus leaving my writing skills rusty. My graduate portfolio which was assessed by industry professionals here, thought I had good art direction but it is something I don't enjoy doing. As for film production, I enjoy conceptualising an idea but I definitely dislike production. I prefer to do scriptwriting than say, editing. Yet my degree doesn't allow me to specialise in writing so to compare myself with those who has journalism or english degrees, I surely couldn't measure up.

Argh. Can I just do some crash course in writing once again before stepping into the corporate world? Is there such a thing anyway?

2005-06-30T03:40:00.000-07:00

Some things are better told with pictures. In this case, I'll just let the pictures do its magic. Have fun! (Yeah, I was bored that afternoon.)

2005-06-29T08:19:00.000-07:00

2005-06-29T01:39:00.000-07:00

Wow wee. What a way to enjoy my holidays. I woke up at 3.00 pm today. Of course from 8am till the time I woke up, there were numerous phone calls and smses standing between me and sleep, but sleep won in the end. Andrew kept calling me up from office so that I'd do the laundry and cook. Grrr....all of a sudden, I find myself as an unpaid professional housekeeper. Haha.

Yesterday's day out with Marie was good. We chatted and chatted about everything under the sun. Even the Ice Choc with Ice Cream and Cream couldn't last us till the end of our conversation. I think I drank everything in a go within the first few minutes in the cafe. Hehe. Sigh. It's so sad. I'm about to live Perth soon, my routine here and all. I know I've always bitched about Perth, how dull it is, how eager I am to get home and all that, yet here I am, reminicising about my 3 years stay here. The irony of it all.

3 years, though to some may be short, was long to me. So many things happened. It's like part of my life, my thinking and my existence is moulded all here in Perth. Circumstances has made me who I am now, and these experiences I'd bring back to KL when I touchdown.

I left KL when I was mere 19 yr old. I was very young, naive and impulsive then. Now at 22, I'd probably look at life from a different perspective and with a different pair of lens. Not that I've reached the peak of maturity, but it's just different. I've changed so much. And the people who walk in and out of my life these 3 yrs, left an undeniable impact on me, be it positive or negative.

Ah well. They say life is a journey of learning. And of course love.

Marie-am going to miss you so-so-so much! Send me the pics yah? :)

2005-06-27T11:53:00.000-07:00

Told you I'm a drama queen aren't I? Anyway, ignore the previous post. Just needed to release all my pent-up frustration. I'm fine. So please take note whoever who taught that I've my life easy, think again. I'm a tough rat.

Anyway, last Saturday, we had a night out with my tutor Blair. Yes, that hellraiser whom I hate so much. I still dislike him. A lot. Anyway, he planned to have dinner with us, the graduating class of AD PRAC 392 2005 so that he could pass us back the feedback sheets, have a few beers and makan and all that. I wasn't anticipating to go really. I rather not see my marks in a restaurant filled with people mulling around. Not only that, when it's a dinner, people feel obliged to tell each other's their marks and that's certainly not what I have in mind.

It was held in Han's Cafe, Carousel. There were about 20 of us, including Blair and Shaun (another tutor). Well well...I received my feedback sheets and was esctatic to find out that not only I didn't fail, I did better than I expected.

Had a good time talking to everyone and catching up. It was amazing how during class, we never talked like that. That's because we're always so stressed out and sick with fear about our work. Yes, we are a bunch of insecure creatives wanna-bes. And we always have to put up with Blair's rollercoaster moods. The class always have this sombre and bleak mood. Nobody speaks. It's always pindrop silence until Blair's opens his mouth to shout at someone. Even then, there's only Blair's echo. If you want an image, think of a police station, the room where policeman interrogates the suspect. In our case, Blair's the police and we're all the suspects.

A friend also told me some stories that surprised me. You see, after getting my results, I couldn't help but to be chatty. My relief turned my mood into a jovial one. This friend noticed that I've a lot to say to this two girls. This friend told me later in private that she didn't know, Min, Junie and I have something in common with the two girls. I said, we didn't but we're just being sociable. This friend then broke the news saying that the previous semester, these 2 girls tried to poison our names. This friend told me that the 2 girls tried convincing her that Junie, Min and I are not very nice people to be with, demanding, horrible and the lot.

I wasn't angry or even offended when I heard that. I was amused because I hardly know them and neither Min nor Junie. Yet, they backstabbed us. Now, what have they got to gain by backstabbing us? We're not even close for god's sake! It was just so weird. Strangers backstabbing us...that's the first for me. I've heard of people who are close to you backstabbing you but never strangers.

I'm still puzzled till this day. Sigh. I guess I must be more cautious to whomever I speak now. You'll never know when people just turn their backs and bite you when they have the chance to.

Anyway, here are some photos. There'd be more photos once Junie pass them to me. Unfortunately, I didn't bring my camera for the event.

Junie, Myself and Min. Phui Yan's hovering behind.

Us again with Phui Yan. She's a very nice person. These pics belong to her.

2005-06-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder, why couldn't I live my life like a normal 22 year old? Why am I constantly plagued with insecurities and circumstances that a normal 22 yr old wouldn't? What is the definition of normal anyway?

Maybe as I observe the people around me, whether through real life or through their blogs, everyone seem to have it fine with them. At 22, one is supposed to be at their peak of their lives. They're surrounded with good friends,warm family members,and maybe a career or still in the midst of higher education. They don't have to run away from their troubles. They don't have to live in fear. They don't worry about the future. They live in the present, they eat well and play hard. They grew up with love and they have so much more to give. So why can't my life take a turn like that?

Of course, I'm mainly stereotyping the majority here. There maybe hundreds or millions out there who are not as priviledged as me and I've got to admit that compared to them, I'm more well off. There are those who are without families, there are those who beg for food so that they wouldn't starve, those who'd live just to see another sunrise and those who are in pain and suffering.

Never mind, I'm just being a drama queen. Just that I'm tired of being the strong Ying that everyone knows. Tired of this smile-through-the-tough-times facade. Tired of the I'm good,thank you charade.

Wish I could lash out more. Bite more. Scream more. Inflict more hurt. Kick someone's ass. Be rebellious as I can. Punch the wall. Whatever.

At the end of the day, I guess I'll only end up hurting myself more. And probably hurt those around who truly cared.

2005-06-27T02:45:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking a thousand of thoughts, experiencing life like a roller coaster yet I can't even put any of them into words.

For updates, I got credit for my graduate portfolio...woo hoo! That's highly unexpected...I thought I'd be floundering somewhere between the line of pass and fail but I did not!!!

And for those who came and surprised me with a birthday cake while I was still dressed in my PJ's.....that was embarassing hokay..yet very thoughtful and shall I say, creative of you guys! Haahahahaa!

Until I can sort my thoughts out..the blog would be on hiatus....

dammn..I think stress provokes the writer in me..now that i'm carefree, can't seem to write for nuts!

2005-06-22T23:18:00.000-07:00

Remember I promised to write about Tap Dogs? During then, I didn't have much time to resize the pictures and all that, but now, things are different once my semester has ended.

The night started of with me wondering what to wear. You see, it wasn't very often where I get to go out to enjoy a concert or a performance with my friends. More often than not, it's either me who's the only one who's keen to go(my music taste are quite electic. Not everyone can find it their cup of tea) or that I'm broke. Penniless as a pauper and couldn't afford to go. This time, Min bought the tickets without me knowing it, and invited me to come along. Almost teared me up when I knew about it. As far as I could remember, no one would do that, except for Andrew of course.

So, we wanted to make it a special day and we took extra care to what we wear. We even nudged Jason to dress up properly instead of his usual t-shirt and jeans. The event was held in Burswood Theatre so must dress up a bit la!
However, after walking in and out of my closet, I was frustrated with my lack of choices. I obviously don't have many 'nice' winter clothes to wear. In the end, I went with a pale blue woolen sweater and a pair of faded jeans. With a coat of course. Haha. However, the rest did dress up, with make up and the lot.

We were there early so we decided to catch dinner first. We went to Genting Palace in Burswood Hotel. Typical 8 course chinese food style. Food's okay but my, you should have seen the prices. We didn't even have abalone or shark's fin yet our bill came up to AUD 200++! I think if we had the same dishes at Billy Lee's, it'd only AUD50-60. Jason sweetly foot the bill.

That's because he just got a job at the Taxation Office so he thought we'd like a treat or something! Thanks Jason!

Dinner made us forget the time. The show started at 8, and we only made our way there at 8! So we ran all the way to the Theatre, and guess what, we were late! The show started and we had to wait outside for 3 minutes before the person can show us in. What a bother!

When we finally went in, we had to walk all the way into the center. You could imagine the annoyance of the audiences. Anyway, Min got us very very good seats. 3rd row from the front. We could see the Tap Dogs' guys asses real close. Haha.

The show was brilliant. I never expected it to be so creative. Who would have thought tap could be so interesting. It was a compilation of short dances but with different settings and within the short dances, it tells a short story. You see, these 6 tap dancers are a bunch of construction workers.

They tap at the place they work, using scaffolds, planks and all that as their settings. It was amazing. There was one part where they tapped while they played basketball. Another part where they played music while they tapped. The planks they tapped on represents each and every part of the drums. There was the cymbals plank, a snare plank..etc. It was a riot, to see 6 of them, tapping out a full musical piece, vigourously as well. They also had percussionists playing instruments so it's live tapping and live music.

You see them tapping to Broadway music,jazz, funk, electronic etc. They also tapped with water and they tapped upside down! Yup. They had this guy, strapped to a harness and a pulley, turned him upside down and he tapped!

It was a freaking good performance. Go catch it when Tap Dogs makes an apperance again.

PS-We got caught for taking photographs during the performance. However, because I kept my camera back into my bag, the person didn't know. She only asked Min to erase all the pictures that she took and she went away. Phew. That was a close call. Guerilla photography not recommended. Heheh.

2005-06-17T05:34:00.000-07:00

I've just handed in my graduate portfolio today. I'm supposed to feel relieved yet in my heart something's amiss. Blair browses through my work and kept shaking his head. Could hear him muttering things like I can't see how this works..etc.

Someone please tell me, is my work really THAT bad?

I felt so upset about the whole incident. Fatigue didn't help. I was so exhausted both physically and mentally. Min noticed that I was really distraught and asked me what happened. That was then when I couldn't bite back my tears.

She was looking me in the eye and then asked, "But did you do your best?"
Miserably I nodded. Then she replied that if so, that's all that matters.
But then, to know that you've given in your very best and still couldn't make the cut, doesn't that hurt more? It's like mocking you straight on your face that you'll never be good enough. It felt very personal. Every second now, I imagine a million faces laughing and mocking me.

I'm now belittled to a young girl, being tormented by fierce teachers and sneering classmates. Sigh. I'm feeling like a total loser and a complete failure. And it's no one's fault but mine. Because I'm stupid and am never good enough.

What a way to enjoy my holidays. Gah.

2005-06-12T15:36:00.000-07:00

After the TapDogs outing(haha, Marie-I know I owe you that one), we headed over to GrapevineBar(is that the name? The one next to Universal Bar. Sheesh, I could hardly remember. There was only TapDogs in my head, tapping away.)and Jason bought all of us drinks. Yes, me included. Those who went, Ima, Adeline, Jason, Min and myself, so there were 10 drinks. There were 5 shot cups and the rest were, alcoholic beverages as well.

"Hah Ying..you must drink this time. Don't waste my money," Jason said with this evil, evil look in his eyes. I looked from the shot glass(which was supposed to be my share)and the Bailey's drink and then looked at him stupidly.

"Eh..I don't drink la.."

"Drink la. You think alcohol cheap meh!"

"Eh seriously la...even beer also I don't touch. Now you want me to drink a shot?!?!" My eyes went wider than saucers.

"Ying don't worry..very little alcohol content only..."Jason smoothly persuaded. Even Min nodded vigourously because she had to drink it too. Hahah.

In the end,I managed to wriggle out of drinking the shot but still had to sip some Baileys with milk anyway. I know, I'm such a prude. I think I drank exactly 3 cm from the original level of Baileys in the glass.

After everyone had their drinks, I'm glad I stuck to my principles because everyone looked quite pissed. Adeline kept complaining about how painful her ears were because they were heated up by the alcohol. Jason and Ima looked a little uncomfortable though not exactly drunk. See, I'm the person you should bring to parties because I can end up feeling quite mindful of my actions after the party. However, too bad for my driving skills or else I could have drove you guys home. Hahah!

So why don't I drink anyway? Is it because of me being a Buddhist and somewhere along the 5th precept, it was said that I should not get intoxicated with drugs and alcohol? Not really. The truth is, I don't need to be a purist to call myself a Buddhist. Besides,the precept is no commandment and it is really not a sin to drink. The precept only insists that you shouldn't get drunk because the poison of liquor can get you to do things that you don't want to do while you're in that state.

It is being in that 'state' that disgusts me. I'd turn away in revulsion to a scene where every party goer gets wasted and they lie there not knowing of how repulsive they look. That state of mind doesn't allow them to think thus robs them the chance to be truly human. If you can't think, how far better you are compared to other living beings like plants and animals?

Not to drink is a personal choice so I won't condemn or judge (not that I'm in a position to anyway) anyone who makes it a personal choice to. I believe in a free world guys! Live your lives the way you want, just don't destroy it.

THAT bar in Perth

My drink, noticeably untouched.

Min and I, unintoxicated

"What? It's ok to drink mah.I can pretend this is Teh Ais Limau" Adeline

"Yeah. I can pretend mine's just Coke." Jason. "Yeah right..highly doubtful," Min looks on.

"Ok ok..cannot pretend liao...this shot is awful!" Ima

2005-06-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

"Don't loath what you need to do, lest you avoid doing it."

I've been a victim of work avoidance that's why I seem to leave things up to the 11th hour to do it. The fear of the work is probably what puts me off compared to the nature of the work itself. Sigh. As a result, I'm up till now, rushing for my assignment which is due tomorrow at 7am.

Serve me right I think to myself, rather miserably.

2005-06-12T02:24:00.000-07:00

Many don't think I'm religious and I don't think myself so too. I rather call myself spiritual because being religious seem to give you the idea that I'm practising a faith out of blindness and lack of understanding. It's a shame really that the word religion has come to connotate possesiveness, blind faith, only one religion is right while the rest are wrong, etc. Being religious seemed to have become a negative thing because people have these pre-conceived ideas that when you're religious, you're traditional, conservative and self-righteous. Being religious indicates that you're stuck in your grandparents generation where god is to be feared and follow. How wrong these assumptions are yet many in the society has proved these sceptics right and thus, giving a bad name to those who made the world a better place to live in through their keen faith.

My mum paved the Buddhist path for me since I was very young. You could say I was a born Buddhist but it wasn't until much later that I turned from a once a year Buddhist (only praying during Wesak Day) to an everyday Buddhist. My mum started taking up Buddhism for Beginners classes and meditation classes when she learned about her waning health. You could say that she her encounter with Buddhism stemmed only when she was in need of a faith but nonetheless Buddhism has taught her so much about life and more importantly played a significant role in helping her cope with cancer. So when she goes to classes, I followed her. I became one of the youngest participants in the class. I was about 11 yrs old. She started to be more active in the Buddhist community and made a lot of friends along the way. She volunteered in a lot of interesting Buddhist programs and introduced me to a world of Buddhism. From beginners' classes, she went on attending the Intermediate and Advance lessons. Eventually, her thirst of knowledge brought her to attending an Abhidhamma class which is one of the harder subjects to learn in Buddhism. It is the 3rd or last 'basket' of Buddhist scriptures and it is said to be abstruse, profound and subtle. It examines more of the scientific areas of humanity like consciousness,perception, mind and matter, etc etc. Until today, I'm still floudering in the subject because it is just too difficult for my untrained mind. Other than that, she was also an active participant in retreats and dhamma camps. Her interest rubbed on me and I slowly find myself attending Sunday school and what nots. She was more than happy that I was interested and more importantly, inspired. I began reading a lot of books on Buddhism, the Dhamma and the practice. The Buddhist philosophy was compelling and soon, I became a conscious and active Buddhist. Even though my knowledge is still quite limited, I'm proud to say that at least I know enough to clear common misconceptions and gross misinterpretations that people have in Buddhism. And even though I'm still an imperfect human, at least I know I'm attempting to be better each day.

That's why I find Buddhist youth camps interesting. I knew I benefitted a lot from Dhammaduta Youth Camp (which once was School Holiday Dhamma Camp) when I was a participant and found myself life-long friends whom I wouldn't exchange for
anything in the world. I was encouraged and motivated to learn more, and then give in return of what I got. Now that I'm part of the camp committees, I'm always inspired to share my experiences with the other youths out there. I'm keen to assist those who are in need of a guide and maybe a friend. Even though I'm not exactly 'there' myself but if I can help, I would. Many youths who come into D2Y are usually newbies to Buddhism and it amazes them to know that the Buddhist youths are actually different from their intial perception. It usually lightens up my day when I hear a participant, moved sincerely by the camp and how it had enlightened them as much as it did to me. So I'm not surprised if there are actually people who at a young age, dedicate their entire lives to reach out to the eager Buddhist youths. There are those who abandon their 9-5 jobs, those who work hard to juggle both a real career and a volunteer job, and also those who may step in once in a while to help out. They do it out of passion and not out of obligation. If you have a chance to talk to them, you could see that their energy is infectious. They radiate such positive aura that you can't help but to be drawn to their wisdom and passion.

So thumbs up to all Buddhist youths out there who're trying their best to inspire those who are still sleeping. There are so many Buddhist youth groups in Malaysia and abroad, but we are all united under the same reason: to teach, to reach out, to share and to inspire. Keep up the good work guys! Let's continue to revolutionise the younger generation of Buddhists. Even if we don't move the world, at least we made a significant difference in someone.

PS-Please note that when I mean inspire, I don't mean converting or getting them to join us with force. We don't go out to the public and get people to come to camps or classes, etc. It is out of interest that these youths come and then they leave with their expectations exceeded. The excellent reception is solely based on the participants' intention instead of the organisers.

2005-06-11T23:57:00.000-07:00

Marie, an update about the TapDogs outing would have to come later. For the moment, please be contented with current my jumbled up thoughts and a mind that concentrates on everything else but THE WORK.

I've a friend Ling(not her real name),who recently got hooked up with a guy named Zack(not his real name either). The initial part of the relationship wasn't exactly mutual because Ling has too much things stressing her up and the last thing she needs is a relationship. So, it wasn't Ling's fault that at times she was a little mean to him because it was just all about wrong timing. However, Zack was truly sincere and expressed his interest with persistence. As for Ling, there was also a lot of other relationship problems going on(but she's single of course) and the course of her studies made her life worse, but she decided to give Zack a chance and perhaps, agreed to go out with him.

Fast forward the story, Zack and now Ling doesn't seem too happy with each other. This assumption lies purely on my observation. Maybe they are but outwardly, they certainly don't look like it. Ling's studies demand a lot of her attention hence naturally, when Zack comes into the picture, she's usually drained and all she wants to do is sleep or to speak about stuff on the surface. She doesn't need any more whining about how she doesn't care for him, how she doesn't love him enough etc. As for Zack, he feels left out at most times and probably feels that Ling doesn't share enough. Zack's insecure and feels that he's more of a good friend than a proper boyfriend. Perhaps he also feel the need to constantly prove himself. However, Zack's a good character and he continues to help Ling if ever she needs help in transportation or anything else under the sun.

For this reason, my heart goes out to Zack. He seems to be taking the situation really well despite being pushed around and that his day depends entirely on Ling's unstable moods. He's also very nice to her friends and would do anything Ling asked him to do for her friends. It's not often you get guys like this. I've seen a fair number of guys who couldn't take this sort of shit and would run as soon as a relationship sours. Yet, he's patient and loving enough to give the relationship another chance, again and again. Is he stupid, you wonder. At times, I conclude that he's a sappy fool but now I find him very brave. He's willing to pursue despite of the odds. His love for Ling is a burning motivation and I suppose, this is the sole reason why he gets up after every fall.

So dearest Ling, if you do read this blog, do remember that despite all shortcomings that Zack has, you know that he's a good man with noble intentions. Yet don't be hard on yourself if you know you can't give enough now. Do what you need to do first and then settle the other problems. Just be mindful of how you treat Zack and remember how we feels, also affect how those who actually cares for us feels. Don't forget that you gave him a chance in the first place.

As for Zack, I can only emphatise and hope that his patience would reward him soon. Would it help Zack that once upon a time, I was in his position while I was with Andrew. But somehow, we stuck to our guns and we eventually made it through. It was hard, almost impossible but achievable nonetheless. I kept reminding myself that Andrew wasn't like that personally, it was just circumstances that made the challenge of staying together harder.

Good luck guys. I really love to see the both of you well and happy together.

2005-06-11T00:18:00.000-07:00

I'm blogging this from a computer kiosk in the library. It's a Saturday and I came in just to chuck a few books back fore return. I couldn't renew them because I still owe the library two books that have been recalled back. Ít's been more than two weeks but I don't care. I need them to finish my essay and if it actually cost up to AUD 20 for the fine, I'd pay them gladly.

Today, woke up quite late due to the lousy weather. Andrew made plans with Eng Hua and his wife so I'm required to come along because Eng Hua started off as my friend instead of his. Hahaha. Don't get me wrong. Of course I'd love to lunch with them but I've tonnes of work to do and if I don't start soon, I'm going to end up failing something. Besides, I was really sleepy and exhausted.

Anyway, after lunch, they headed down to Carousel while I'm here in good old Curtin's library, blogging. Haha.

At 5pm,Min's going to take me to Tap Dogs. Woo hoo. I can't wait!! Yeah, she bought me a ticket out of goodwill and love but I couldn't take advantage of her kindness. So once income starts to flow in , I'll pay her back. That's a promise, Min!

2005-06-10T06:34:00.000-07:00

After Fidah chased Marie, Junie and I out of the editing suites last night, I went to Min's house to put up a night there. There's no point going all the way home(it's in the city which is 20 mins away by bus)when screening on the next day would start at 9 am anyway. Since Min stays only about 1km away frm uni, I suppose that's the wisest decision.

While I was there, I drank a cup of 3 in 1 Nescafe instant coffee, thus resulting a few hours of brief alertness. In my futile attempts to make lull myself to sleep, I picked up a paperback which Min's currently reading.

"The sisterhood of the traveling pants". At first, I laughed my head off when I found out that it's actually a teenage novel. I thought we were way past that stage where Sweet Valley series actually clutter our bookshelves. We should be WAY past that stage. When was the last time I read a Trixie Belden,Sweet Valley or stories by Judy Blume? I can't recall but that was ages ago. Haha..ok..Enid Blyton don't count. Her stories are timeless and can be enjoyed by anyone at anytime of their of their lives.

So I nudged Min and asked what was the book about. She looked at me mysteriously with those twinkling eyes of hers and urged me to find it out of for myself. Curiousity won me over and I started from prologue. 5 pages later, I became a convert. In 2 hours time, I finished the whole book, and almost a whole box of tissue papers as well. It's been quite a while since a book actually made me cry but this story did. Very simply told, the story of the traveling jeans and how it held the sisterhood together was very, very heartwarming. Each of the girls experienced a significant and life changing experience while wearing the 'magical' jeans. Apparently the jeans, despite it looking old and frayed, fitted each of them perfectly. Carmen who is a little fleshier looked like a supermodel while wearing it. Bridget who's always looked healthy and atheletic looked quite feminine and sophisticated while Lena, even though already very beautiful, wore the jeans and it just brought out the best in her. Tibby, the rebel, looked stunning in it as well.

Every word that I read brought me a flood of memories. I remembered when I was at these protagonists' ages, young and idealistic. I wanted to see the world and conquer it if I could. I would sit by myself, spin fantasies when I lost myself in a reverie about how nice it would be if the world turned out how it imagined it to.
In my world, good guys always finish first, plain girls always get the hottest guys, pretty girls are quite stupid,we meet first loves in airplanes or airports,we are free to be as spontaneous as we want to, we can be carefree all day long, we can live in small huts by the beach, waking up everyday to the sound of the ocean and seagulls, we would travel the world instead of work..etc. Every waking moment then was filled with anticipation with what the day could bring. Would I stumble into an adventure? Would routine take a positive and interesting change and I find myself never be the same again?

So when I read the book, I found myself relieving my teenage life all over again in each of the girls. I felt that there's a part of me in all the 4 girls. There's Lena who's quiet and reserved but very beautiful(that I don't have),there's Carmen the philosophical one, there's Tibby the rebel and Bridget the athlete. I guess there are many parts of me that even till this day, I'm quite surprised at what I'm capable of. That's why true friendships are never boring. You'll never get tired of your friends because there's still so much to discover in each and everyone of them. Each of them has complex characteristics and idiosyncrasies so unique that no one can substitute for who they are. Friendship is also a journey of self discovery as well. You find out a little more about yourself each time you make an interesting discovery about your friends. People are truly like onions, so many layers to peel. That's what make us interesting I suppose.

Go read the book. It's a simple story told beautifully. Not to mention that it's easy to read too (you can slot your reading times between studies and what nots).

And oh, apparently, they're making a movie out of it as well. Should be good I think. Can't wait to catch it!

2005-06-10T01:32:00.000-07:00

A little rested,
A little clearer,
I wipe my tears dry.

My heart's comforted,
my mind's cleared,
I smile.

The rain surrendered
Gave way to some sunshine,
And two rainbows appeared.

(Perth,a week ago)

2005-06-10T00:16:00.000-07:00

Editing in the wee hours of the morning.

Ahn Hong Mah!-Junie and Marie should earn a spot in some Asian Sketch Show or something

All smiles after screening

One more time, with flash.

One big happy family with Michelle. Don't bother finding me.

2005-06-09T22:32:00.000-07:00

Maybe I shouldn't be so optimistic after all. I was naive to think that things may turn out differently and for once, find my paranoia wrong but somehow,as I've observed, things turned out just how I predicted it to be (unfortunately and much to my disappointment) and there's simply nothing I can do about it. I suppose at the end of the day, I've only got myself to blame. However, I do not want to turn myself into the 'victim'. I don't intend to wallow in self-pity. In the midst of my confusion, I keep looking for someone or something to point my finger at, whether at myself, at my teammates, at my circumstances etc. However, after some elaborate reflection, I realised that there are times where things do happen without anyone or anything at fault. Judging wouldn't be a right thing to do because that would mean trying to put the responsibility on someone or something else. Even self blame is pathetic because then you're just turning yourself into a victim of circumstances.

So after all that,I've only got two words for myself: "We learn." Oh yes, experience is a great but harsh teacher, but by Jove, we sure do learn. In my situation, I've learnt. Learnt so much more than I did in my entire life. There were many lessons which experience made me face. I have to admit that I didn't take it too well at first but somehow, things made sense to me in the end. I learned to swallow my pride and accept criticisms humbly. I learned not to be quick to judge or act impulsively. I learned that in order to get things done, I must be more proactive in my approach instead of trying to please everyone. Most of all, I learned not to react or get myself all so defensive about remarks which I thought stung a little. Instead, I let it sink in a little while and then thought about the truth behind them. With that, I learn to nod appreciatively in response instead of collapsing into tears.

Ego was bruised a little but nonetheless now a little wiser. Thank you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An email that was never sent:

Dear team mates,

We truly had a hard time completing this project. We encountered so many lows that the brief highs that we had could hardly compensate for what we've been through. It was as if a higher being up there was testing our endurance and patience, wondering when we'd throw in the towel out of frustration. Hurdle after hurdle, we grit our teeth and braved through it. The outcome? Comments from tutors that exceeded our expectations.

I was never mentally or physically prepared for the role given to me. I was chosen (out of goodwill but incredibly bad judgment)to be the director of the production and who could have thought that directing is a skill which involved more brain and muscle power than painting or cutting up a patient? Till this day, I still feel that the person who put me into the role is regretting every single minute of her impulsive decision.

Somewhere along the middle of production, I felt a sense of detachment from the group. I feel I no longer belong, not because I don't want to but because I wasn't allowed to. This may be a paranoid observation and I stand to be corrected. Stress and horrid circumstances made that worse. Nothing was going right. Every single day, I felt more and more awful. I felt powerless to do anything despite being the director of the group. I was disempowered and it doesn't help with my low self-esteem. I believed I was incompetent and I allowed doubt to creep into my judgment. It affected how I planned and what I did. As quoted by one of you, I was overwhelmed and 'underplanned'. How incredibly true. I felt like my body was pushed back by a huge tidal wave and I did nothing to swim against it. Instead, I let myself go limp and continue to let energy drain from my body.

And also, my lack of experience made me fickle with what I want. When you guys asked me what I want, I can honestly tell you, I don't know. Somewhere along the way, I just lost it. Energy:zero, Creativity:zilch and Leadership: None at all. Confidence was taken away by Blair much earlier; I'm left with only an empty husk of a person, devoid of character and soul.

I also made you guys lose confidence in me and gave you a a reason to respect me less. I truly don't deserve the enthusiastic comments that Michel gave. I'm appalled myself and I'm sure you guys do too.
Even if you don't say it, I can tell from the body language. But I do accept that this is part and parcel of the experience if I want to make a professional livelihood out of it and I shouldn't be whining.

But do note, dear group mates, that these grievances are certainly no excuses for my incompetence. I'm pretty sure that everyone was also stressed up and unhappy with their other units which left you in a position that was just as bad as the one I was in.

I would also like to emphasise that despite whatever I'm going through(outside the unit), I've truly given my best and have done everything I could to continue producing our project. If there's anything that I believe I could do,I've done it. The rest are beyond my limits. I lack the technical knowledge in editing and sound. I want to learn, slowly but surely. And also, if you found me reserved and maybe unhelpful, that's because I thought you guys would make better decisions and I've left it up to you guys to think what is best and then act upon it. It is also my belief that I rather keep quiet than offer suggestions that are not very helpful or a hand in places which I don't think myself good it.

I thank everyone for helping me(if not the group) and teaching me some lessons which I severely need to learn at one stage or another. I truly appreciate each and everyone of you and feel absolutely blessed that if there's one good thing this semester, it'd be you guys.

If I'm given a chance to be a director again, would I take it? If I'm an awful coward, I wouldn't but a little more lessons in life wouldn't hurt, right? If I could choose to redo everything again, would I do it in a different way? Most certainly. But really guys, I don't regret doing this.

Marie: I think you deserved every right to be called the Assistant Director, the D.O.P and everything else. You have been nothing but wonderful and patient. You were cheerful when times were hard and there's always a positive aura with you around. As a freaking incompetent director, I think you're heaven sent and as a friend, I think that there's a lot of potential in you. You'll climb great heights,girl. Really. Cross my heart.

Fidah: You are a teacher (kow tow) whom I won't forget. Your feisty spirit and your perfectionist attitude as motivated me a lot. You have one helluva patience to cope up with me and I salute you for that. I value your brilliance and experience very much. As a friend, you're always so funny and animated but very scary ah...when you're angry!

Junie:You could have been the director if only I know how to edit. There's a lot of resilience in your character and brilliance in that quick brain of yours. Things would have been different if you were directing instead of editing.
There are times when you're a little impatient with me and I got scared but I learned that not all criticisms are meant to be bad. It's just how you take it. Thank you Junie, the soon to be MTV Director. You kept the group going and smiling. Especially those Thai accents and what nots! ^_^

Lalitha: Dearest producer, I don't think you are credited enough for the amount of work that you've done for us. You're like the UHU glue to the broken glass pieces. You put us together, you remind us of what to do and kick our ass if we don't get things done. What would we do without you? Ginger Tea Productions would never exist. It was a great pleasure to know and work with you. And your ginger tea rules!

I'm not hard on myself with all those criticisms that I mentioned. I'm only merely stating the truth. Just now, seeing all of you huddled together in the most 'photographed' sofa, I thought to myself, you guys could have done it without me. Maybe you should have. Way to go guys!

Yours,
The Paparazzi

P.S-Anyone who reads this SHOULD NOT freak out with what I'd said. I'm merely putting words to my raw emotions. Besides, it's my blog. It's not censored so if you don't happen to agree with me, just let me know privately ok. If you're offended, I'm sorry. As I've said, it's my blog and you've chosen to read my thoughts like an open book, that's all.

2005-06-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

One more day of editing to go. To date, the documentary structure is there but they are only rough cuts and there's a hell lot more to do if I want them pieced together smoothly. There'll be fillers for the interviews to be done and sound(THE MOST IMPORTANT THING)to be fitted in so that it tells our story interestingly!

Argh. Junie and I left the Matrox edit room at 1am this morning. Surprisingly, the Brands Essence of Chicken brewed with American Ginseng worked and even though I constantly yawned, my mind was quite alert and wasn't very distracted. Junie and I had a good time laughing and mimicking our talent's overdramatisation of the character.

I can't believe screening is tomorrow! I do hope we get fair comments. As far as this production goes,I'm really proud of it despite being overwhelmed by the size of the project, the more experienced people that I'm working with and the crappiness of our equipments. Murphy's Law applies till the very end of our production: If anything could go wrong, it will and If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong.

I've learnt so much from it and indeed, had a lot of growing up to do whilst the filming assignment was going on. I can't believe it's now going to end tomorrow. It'll be a bitter-sweet moment for it has brought me closer to my team mates but at the same time, I can't wait to say goodbye to all the mess we were stuck in, the hassle and the massive amount of preperation we have to do before and while shooting.

I hope everything goes well tomorrow. Kudos to my team-Marie, Fidah, Junie and Lalitha!! Thank you for embracing my incompetency and teaching me so much!
Couldn't have done it without you girls!

Ginger Tea Production rules!

Pics later ya..

2005-06-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

When I mentioned to Choon Ling that I haven't had lunch and told her in a morose tone(thru msn) that I might not today, the swift response that came in through was, "Diet huh?"

Now, for those who know me personally, do you think I need diet? I'm not taking pride in my slim figure but rather looking down at my thin and small frame and then wonder, how could people come up with such incredulous answers such as diet!

If I could choose, I would choose to have buffet for breakfast,lunch and dinner. I want a wide spread of interesting cuisines from all over the world and desserts so much that I could only cry out in bliss.
I would stuff myself silly, lick the crumbs at the corner of my lips, slurp soups down,burp as many times as I need to and the lot. Not a pretty picture huh, but that pretty sums out how I think about food and how deprived I am of them.

So question of the day is, how come I only eat once a day! No fascinating answers dear readers, just plain busy. Preparing food or even plonking my fat ass down to eat takes time and especially during lunch hours, I simply can't afford to do so. These days I've been out and about doing photo shoots, helping my friends with theirs, going in and out of uni to finish up some FTV work..etc. By the time I've done all that, it's way past lunch time and usually, I might just get some chips on my way home. That's lunch I suppose.

Kua kua kua....(Hehe..don't marah ok, CL!)

Min doing her photography in a flash studio

We took a sunset shot for the time lapse in our corporate documentary.

Fidah and Marie taking a break while filming

2005-06-07T11:17:00.000-07:00

I hope I don't write like that for my upcoming essay. Howard's not going to be pleased and neither will I be pleased with the marks.

It's a DIE DIE situation.

2005-06-07T11:13:00.000-07:00

Trivia for the day!

How come I keep coming up with random posts such as this?

Answer: I can't contain my enthusiasm for there are just so many fonts and colours that I can explore.....

My brains are fried and I need a replacement.

Anyone wants to donate me one? Preferably one with high IQ, thank you.

2005-06-07T11:07:00.000-07:00

How come these days I can't come up with any insightful posts, or entries which impresses the hell outta literature lovers?

Sigh. My ENGLAND really suck loh.

How like that! I can now say my teary goodbyes to my dreams of being either a scriptwriter or copywriter. Thank god an Account Exec doesn't need a brilliant portfolio to secure a job in the Ad world.

2005-06-07T11:05:00.000-07:00

I think hoh, I've accumulated up to a grand total of AUD 30 ++ for the library fine.

Aiyah. Don't care la. Gotta hog the book till I finish my essay.

To those who recalled the book, SO-SOLLEEE AH!!!

2005-06-07T11:03:00.000-07:00

How's this for colourful?

Maybe this?

Or this?

Ok...I'm going crazy now.

Who cares anyway?

I just wanna freaking graduate!

Irrelevant subject matter

kuang kuang kuang

2005-06-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

La La La La...see..I love trying out different stuff!

2005-06-07T10:59:00.000-07:00

How come I didn't know about the different fonts and colours for the blog compose page before? Gah. I've been so ignorant all these while. Like frog under the coconut husk. Literally translated from Malay.

On hiatus

2005-06-07T10:23:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy. I'd be temporarily unavailable until 18 June.

See you then.

A filler post (Wesak Day 2004)

2005-05-22T08:56:00.000-07:00

I thought I might let the pictures do the talking instead.

This is what we usually do on the auspicious Wesak morn.
Unfortunately, this year, like the last two years, I was stuck in Perth and hence wasn't able to join the rest of them for the choir and celebrations.
Wesak Day 2004 in Buddhist Maha Vihara, Brickfields.

D2YC booth, Wesak Day 2004.
Buddhist Maha Vihara,Brickfields.

The guys singing their hearts out in a musical puja.
BGF,Petaling Jaya,2004.

The girls,in retaliation. Hehe. I could have been there..:(
BGF,Petaling Jaya,2004.

On a sidenote, I miss brainstorming for D2YC!

Ric's house, 2004

Another walk down the memory lane

2005-05-22T08:38:00.000-07:00

What committees of D2Y do when they're bored.

Dhammaduta Youth Camp 2004

2005-05-22T05:43:00.000-07:00

Today was so uneventful. I followed Junie to the city to get the stuff she needed for her advertising production. It was just weird to keep popping our heads in and out of trick shops and TOYS R US. First she needed a pack of fake spiders and cobwebs. Then she needed fake blood. After getting those two, we went hunting for a pack of fake cockroaches. Who would have thought that cockroaches are that hard to find? Especially the fake plastic ones? I think we went into at least 3-4 shops but none of them has it. They have everything else from plastic dinosaurs to plastic flies but no cockroaches. At this point I became quite cranky. What the hell is wrong with kids these days? They no longer use fake cockroaches for their pranks? Are they now too good for the cheap plastic stuff? Are plastic pests now a thing of a past?

After 2 hours of unfruitful hunting for those damn cockroaches, we eventually concluded that plastic cockroaches has already faced extinction in Perth. My heart bleeds for you, my filthy fellow friends. May the real species of yours thrive peacefully in some dirty longkang somewhere.

2005-05-22T04:56:00.000-07:00

I thought Ric has a point. Here's a reproduction of the article he wrote. I thought I'd create some free publicity for you,Ric.

Start of reproduction
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Perverted Pirate Prophet and the Buddhist Extremist
By Alaric “Bored Like Shit”: The Gaji Buta King

My senior manager, my manager and my senior were on leave for a week. My director was attending a 3-day seminar while the two personnel from transaction services were out servicing a client so I was one of the few consultants left in the office.

“Hooray!” I cried.

“Wow, a week off to do things at my pace and surf to my hearts content! I’m gonna have a lot of fun at my company’s expense!”, I thought to myself.

I soon learned that too much time was just as bad as too little time. I had finished all my assigned tasks and was half dead from boredom. I surfed aimlessly from topics ranging for PVP battles in ‘World Of Warcraft’ to the emergence of ’Groping On The Shinkansen‘ forums for horny Japanese men. Stuff that you won’t come across if you were actually doing something productive at work.

Suddenly found myself at this site, IslamReview.com and to my surprise, it was run by Christians! How cool was that? Finally some Christians who are promoting religious understanding… ooh boy was I mistaken!

To my horror, this site was scrutinizing the Koran word by word and denouncing Islam as the most wicked thing on the planet and that Muslims were black-hearted-lust-crazed- wife-beating-Satan-worshippers who were trying to dominate the world. They maintain that the true face of Islam is concealed to lure worshippers in to what is actually a god-hating cult who will destroy America and Christianity. They attacked the Prophet Muhammad directly and accused him of being among other things, a deceiver, a pervert, a pedophile, a pirate (?), a warmonger and most of all, an enemy to Christians.

“A Pirate? Really?” I pondered.

The worst part was the testimonies by the so-called ‘rescued’ people and the letters submitted by the public. Oh Sweet Mother Mary! Let me show you some of the choicest ones: -

Everything I have learned about Islam leads me to believe the religion was invented as a tool Mohammed could use for his own personal gain. It wouldn't bother me in the least if Muslims weren't killing people in their radical drive for world domination. Most of the civilized world that hasn't been brainwashed since birth can easily see through Mohammed's religious fabrications. I understand that to believe in God one must have faith but when it comes to Islam you need to have blind faith. The religion of Christians and Jews is backed up by mountains of evidence that has been historically accurate and well preserved. The Koran appears to be based on the much of the Old Testament with a large dose of Mohammed's own delusions. I have never seen a religion that is so openly racist and hateful similar to that of the Nazi. We must defend ourselves against this Muslim offensive that threatens to take away our freedom and kill us like dogs. I just hope the people who have replaced their faith with materialism wake up to this threat before it's too late.

Ok…what the hell is this rubbish? Coughypocritecough! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, But wait, there is more!!!

I came across this website by accident. I am convinced that Islam is a wicked and evil religion with one goal - world domination - at any cost or at the expense of any life. I am quite suspicious of Muslims living in America. You will note I did not refer to them as Muslim Americans. They must prove to me that they have earned that distinction and they must retain that privilege by continuous words and deeds that will convince me that they are truthfully a peaceful people.

Where else on this earth do we find terror driven acts other than those perpetrated by Muslims?

Whoa! This guy is patriotic! How about this guy who I believe is the one true king.

Hello, I am against Islam, too. I hope, you will get successful. Good-bye

Bert

What the hell is this…? What is that smell? What the hell is that funky smell? Bert is it you? Is it you Bert? Go wipe your ass for goodness sake!

I was speechless, taken aback by the sheer magnitude of the bigotry and the lack of the ability to look at their own shortcomings. The most disturbing thing is that this was very COMMON on the Internet. I discovered that there were hundreds if not thousands of these Christian Identity groups and they were organized and powerful. Neo Nazis, White Supremist, Racial Separatist and a whole assortment of close-minded white Christians who thought the world revolves around them. I wrote a letter to IslamReview.com, one that I fear might never be posted on their webpage. Don’t get me wrong, I was very respectful and diplomatic…. really!!! Don’t believe me? Here’s the mail I wrote: -

Hello, my name is Alaric Lee, a Malaysian Chinese living in Kuala Lumpur, the capital of Malaysia. I was surfing through the Internet, looking for sites that could shed some light on the apparent animosity between Muslims and Christians, when I came upon Islam Review. Well, I cannot help but feel slightly disturbed... I hope you will permit me a few minutes to explain.

First of all, Malaysia (a thriving little nation just south of Thailand, north of Singapore) is officially an Islamic nation. The population of Malaysia is predominantly ethic Malay - 60% (Muslims), Chinese -25% (Christians and Buddhist), Indian - 10% - (Christians, Buddhist and Hindu) and the remaining 5% a wide mixture of other races and the orang asli (aborigines). The best thing about Malaysia is that even though the state religion is Islam, the citizens are given the freedom to practice their own religion. Granted that the ethic Malays are Muslim upon birth, there have been cases of Malays adopting other religions (but at the expense of the special privileges that are accorded to natives).

I myself am a practicing Buddhist. My friends and colleagues come from diverse background. Some are Buddhist like me, many are Christians and some are Muslims. I find it hard to accept the very grim picture that you paint of Islam after seeing with my own eyes, the behavior of many of the Muslims in my country. While it’s true that a few may be deceitful and hateful, the same can be said of every religion (1 bad apple spoiling the whole batch kinda thing). I find that many are moderate and very decent people, hardly the lust-crazed wife beaters that you seem to portray them as. I've known Muslims who are extremely enlightened people who are polite, gentle and practice great restraint in both their speech and actions. I've even known Muslims who are patient, caring and prove that compassion, tolerance and responsibility are cornerstones of Islam. A moderate approach to Islam has seen the country move from a backwater country to one of the world's busiest trading nation (An achievement given our small population and geographical size).

Since there is a blend of so many different races, cultures and religions, you can be sure that national unity is a big issue in my country. I think that on many levels, we have achieved the racial harmony that has escaped other countries. This is why I believe that your site may be causing more harm than good. Instead of preaching harmony and understanding, I sense hostility and ridicule instead. I understand that Islam has a very warlike reputation right now, but I think that the best way to resolve issues is to promote goodwill rather than criticism. Do you want your readers to fear and despise Islam? Do you believe that denouncing the sins of others makes you purer by comparison? Perhaps some personal reflection may be in order...

Please do not be offended by what have said. I understand that as a young man (I'm only 25), I may lack the 'worldly experience' that may have guided your beliefs, as the Chinese say "I have tasted more salt than you have eaten rice". I hope that you may adopt a more positive stance, one that will ultimately enrich the spirituality of Christians and Muslims alike. Denouncing others as 'Satan' is hardly a good way to make friends. Religion shouldn't be about who is right, it should be about everyone achieving their idea of salvation and the betterment of the world at large.

Once again I apologize if anything that I may have said offends you. I beg your humble forgiveness.

May You Be Well and Happy,
Alaric Lee Jen Weng

I was motivated at that moment by my sheer disgust at the magnitude of intolerance shown by these ‘People of God’, but taking a step I know that it’s unlikely that they will ever change their extreme stance. I am reminded of a story that I once read, and then later cut and pasted onto some other article shamelessly (e.g. like right now): -

A man told his grandson: "A terrible fight is going on inside me -- a fight between two wolves. One is evil, and represents hate, anger, arrogance, intolerance, and superiority. The other is good, and represents joy, peace, love, tolerance, understanding, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, and compassion. This same fight is going on inside you, inside every other person too."

The grandson then asked: "Which wolf will win?" The old man replied simply: "The one you feed."

I believe that hatred of this sort has been fed for generations. It’s now about the size of a Carrefour outlet. Its on been fed by both sides, nasi paprika on Monday, Tues, Wed, Thurs and prime steak on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Kinda makes you glad to be a Buddhist right?
Well, extremism is something that we should be fairly well acquainted with by now. There are Christian extremist, Muslim extremist, Hindu extremist and a whole slew of other religious extremist. There are however no Buddhist extremist. Therefore I propose that we (the D2Y) become the first Buddhist extremist. Extreme in a sense that we should promote the good will and understanding that permeates the teachings of the Buddha. Extreme in our faith that love will triumph over hate, and that wisdom will triumph over ignorance. To that end, let us practice greater tolerance towards everyone who is different from us.

Religious indifference is no replacement for religious tolerance. Religious indifference is knowing that what you believe is true and all others faiths are false, but as long they don’t disturb you, you can tolerate them. Why should we only TOLERATE people of other faiths? Religious tolerance however is appreciating the similarities and differences of other religions and providing mutual support for the betterment of everyone. Which one do you practice?

Well, until you figure that out, don’t go around calling Muslims “You Scurvy Scallywag!!!”

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum…

This is the first article written by Alaric and he may decide to write more if there is sufficient support and if the doesn’t get fired for surfing and typing rubbish on office time.

Praise and flames to alalee@deloitte.com

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of reproduction

Edit: Dear all, don't credit me for this article please. It's Ric who wrote the brilliant piece of article. Please leave your comments and I'll pass it to him.

Co-incidentally, it is Wesak day today. What a profound co-incidence because this article was written a couple of days ago and it never struck me that I'd put this up until today. Happy Wesak day folks. May all be well and happy!

2005-05-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, some say you can’t live with too much( I think I can) or too little money. I agree but I find myself more favourable towards the latter. Why? Because I’m freaking broke now. I don’t know where all the money has gone. The thing is, if I’m back in Malaysia, living under the same roof with my family and am still receiving a certain amount of pocket money from my dad, then yes, I’m being a big drama mama who can’t take care of her own finances. The problem is I’m not that fortunate and I must take account on every cent I spent.

I’ve quit my part time waitressing job at Charlie’s so that I can spend more time in my studies. But without income coming in, my hair’s turning white from worrying how am I going to survive for the next few weeks with just a couple of hundreds in my account. I’ve got bills to pay, and a huge stomach to feed…..HOW NOW, holy brown cow?

If you did read my previous posts, I did indulge in a 45 dollar pair of shoe. I admit that was a little impulsive but I honestly didn’t expect that consequences of spending the 45 dollars could be that huge. Now, instead of having proper home cooked meals, I’m living on one meal a day and that meal comprises of good old instant noodles. If I die before 60, I’ve got instant noodles to thank for that.

Not working anymore is like a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. I can spend my day anyway I like without having to anticipate Steven’s phone calls, asking me to fill in for someone who couldn’t turn up or explode hearing Anne’s derogatory remarks about how a donkey could work faster than me(well, go employ a donkey instead, you ass.). The downside of it all is however obvious: me, a financially competent student before is now reduced to a pauper. Even paying for bus fares or buying toilet rolls must think twice. Even the god damned toilet rolls got to be the cheapest ones in the market, those you get from Crazy Clarks instead of from a proper supermarket. So the question is, is the freedom I gain worth the torture of wiping my ass with something that’s similar to sandpaper?

It seems that the only way to regain some degree of self-respect back is to start working again once I’m done with my finals. Let’s hope my ass survives the ordeal until then.

2005-05-21T10:08:00.000-07:00

I think I should write a disclaimer informing readers that I DO NOT edit my entries before I post it up. It's bad habit of course, to leave unforgivable grammar mistakes, shocking spelling and messy sentence structures the way it is but as this is no academic paper, I really cannot be bothered to edit.
So read at your own risk. If you happen to be an editor, a professor, an academic or a perfectionist of any sort, please keep away. My entries are detrimental to your health.

2005-05-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

My stomach is churning in the insides. The spicy north indian food at Maharaja was really good, wasn't too hot by Malaysian standards but it made me feel like a stuffed pig after dinner was over. Muhammad, my ex-colleague from Charlie's invited us for dinner in his friend's restaurant. I wasn't sure of the occasion but he confirmed that it isn't his birthday, nor is he going to announce an engagement nor did he strike the Lotto. Damn. I was looking forward to one of them. Haha. While we were feasting on hot food, the storm was raging outside. Perth's weather has been pretty erractic lately. You really don't know what to expect next from the skies. It rains, it stops then it shines and then, storm hits the streets once more.

Anyway, Andrew finally got to meet my colleagues. Yanto, Muhammad, Jack, Katherine, John and Julia were present. Since half of them couldn't take hot food, we had to cater for two sort of tastebuds. Julia was hilarious to watch. She kept downing glasses of wine and cold water that her stomach had more liquid than food. But she was a good sport and managed to finish all the curry on her plate.

Here are the results of the prolonged studio shoot yesterday. These are 3 shots from the 150 shots which I took.

This is for my Sony print campaign which basically says: don't gamble with your memories by using cheap recording media. This damn roullete wheel caused me AUD 30 so don't irritate me by asking questions like, I didn't know you're into gambling, because I'm NOT and I'm buying it out of necessity. I'm ready to sell it. Name me your price.

I like the yellow effect on the green mat but will have to photoshop the yellow saturation on the cards. The result is like that because I intentionally white balanced it that way, not because I forgot about it.

The red dices are quite pretty don't you think?

2005-05-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

Why is it that I find people condemning things that they have little knowledge of. Just because they don't understand it in the greater detail or somehow appear not making sense to that person, that person would go all superior and pooh pooh about the subject. It clearly shows it's the person's ignorance that sparked the rants, not the subject itself.

This always happens when we discuss issues of race, culture and religion. I have to admit that I find myself guilty of doing so sometimes. Yet I'm prepared to eat my words if someone's out there who knows better, comes over to correct me. Because I know, I don't understand it and it boggles and infuriates me why some things are happening. But then again, I would go ranting about it unless I find myself affected.

But I find it a common trend that many free thinkers and religious extremists..love to execise thier holier-than-thou ettiqutes. Religious extremists love to shuff things down your throat and claim that whatever you believe in is less superior..and what more...fake(gasp!). I mean..hey..I don't go trampling your believes,why come trample over mine? Unless you plan to refute the theories of my religion instead of just preaching about the superiority of yours...which you clearly have no idea what it is because you're so blinded by yours. Besides, for those who say...alright tell me what is so great about your religion then....do you think you guys are sincerely planning to listen to what I'm about to say? I mean...enlightening those who refuses to be enlightened is likened to pouring tea into a full cup. Tea would only spill over. What's the point?

As for those free thinkers,non-believers..or whatever..just because you don't agree with all the other religions and is doing some soul searching yourself or whatever..that doesn't give you the liscence to talk about religion as if you're much better than it. Just like some people who looks at those who prays fervently in disgust...and thought all those mumbo jumbo are just a bunch of crap. I believe religion and spirituality is a personal thing so just because you don't fit into one(do you anything about the religion in the first place?), doesn't mean make you the ultimate human being of the day, alright? You're really no better than those fanatics either...

I believe that the ultimate religion is one which makes you feel good about yourself and others around you as well...

Sigh. The world is like that isn't it? For someone to win, someone else has to lose. Why does it have to be this way???
May everyone be well and happy.

2005-05-18T12:25:00.000-07:00

Woo hoo. 6 entries down, 3 more to go, for my FTV 214's current affairs and documentary journal. It's not that hard really but it's really time consuming and tedious to watch the shows and write an appropriate analysis for each of them. I gave my worst opinions on Channel 7's Today Tonight simply because it wasn't a current affairs as it claimed to be. I mean, who cares about what Schapelle did in her life before she was detained? Pfft. This team behind the 'newsreports' are really a riot. Sure, they may have a younger target audience but are they saying that all the Australian younger generation are that shallow and would only care about slimming and improving memory tips? There's nothing wrong by broadcasting lifestyle issues but hello, it's a current affairs program, remember? Not The Tattler or Good Morning Australia! Well, ACA and 60 minutes are really no better either.

I digress.

Anyway,it's been a worry that my entries have been nothing but a series of rant. That's because life has become quite uneventful and I've turned into this angsty and jaded student. But anyhow, I thought I might reflect about the blessings bestowed upon me and give myself a pat on the back that life isn't out there to screw me up afterall.

On a chilly weather like this (thunderstorms and mini tornados),what could beat a hot bowl of Shim Ram Yun, a spicy seafood flavoured instant noodles, sitting and warming up my cold hands?

On shitty days like this, where would you find a boyfriend who's more worried about your assignments than your ownself? Andrew wouldn't sleep until he finds the right filter I need for my Photoshop, and wouldn't let me not skip class because he thought Blair might use it as a reason to blackmail me again.

And also, where can you find people like jovial Marie,who would give me rides home and talked me into thinking an embarassing situation to something laughable and memorable?

And also, Min, who's willing to just accompany me to places despite her having almost no time for herself. She would painstakingly teach me all there's to know in Illustrator so that I wouldn't cry and rant about my little knowledge I have in design softwares.

More of this later....I need a short nap now.

Curtin's student life

2005-05-18T10:41:00.000-07:00

I can't resist blogging. Each time I see a great blog, I'm inspired to post up an entry, hopefully similar to the ones I read which has inspired and motivated me in some ways.

Go read Arthur's blog for some visual mesmerisation. He's a wicked photographer studying in Cornell Uni, US. Nope, he's no friend of mine but his pictures are truly breathtaking that I must do a plug for him.

So, in reference to Arthur's blog, he has made my Curtin experience very mundane. Where is the happening student life in Curtin? Arthur has painted a very vivid and vibrant picture of Cornell University and its events. There was so just so many on going events that students actually took part in. Summer spring formals, performances, Malaysian interactive wedding..etc. I see none of these in Curtin. There isn't much campus bonding. The student community here is really hostile unless you already know each other. There are no shared feelings between undergraduates who share the same roof for higher education.

Everyone's so into their own cliques and gangs. For example, who actually attend the Raffles Ball, or the student rally etc? The Malaysians think the Malaysian society are for people who has nothing better to do, the international students have no idea what the guild is doing for them, etc etc. There is seriously very apathetic mindsets inherent in our students. The Aussies keep to themselves, drink themselves silly or party all night without having a single international student to share their joy there. This is same with the international students who too keep to themselves and make steamboats in their house without having a single Aussie in sight to share the delightful cuisine. Is there a cultural gap? Is there not something we can share, that both local and international students can do together? No wonder international students who have been here for quite some time still feel as foreign as when they just arrived.

People asked me about my classmates in Perth and whether do I hang out with them. They were surprised when I made no mention of Aussies in my picture of friends. How come you don't join them they asked. Well-I really don't know. I remember myself all eager and naive when I first arrived in Perth, thinking that an exchange of cultural knowledge and lifestyles would be fun. To my dismay, nobody even took any notice of us, the international students. Are we so different that striking up a conversation is like getting an interview from a minister?

I tried. I really did. But you know what, as much as I wanted to know them, they didn't want to know me. They have no desire to know my name or anything else about me. They just kept to their Aussie mates and get on with their lives. It was a humbling experience for me. And I really didn't want to act desperate.

That's why, I'm pretty lonely in Perth. Within a timespan of 3 years, I only have a handful of friends and acquaintances. Who would I invite for my birthday party? The same old people.

For the first two years, I was proactive in redeeming my social life. I joined the Malaysian Students Society and the International Students Committee. Sure, I met some really nice people there but after a while, the spirit in me just dissipates. I became disillusioned and wonder why am I trying so hard. These are active social groups but I felt I don't share their ideals and just don't fit. Yes, it is that hard for me to find like minded people. I'm a type who can't sit around for long with a fake smile plastered on my face, murmuring polite pleasantries and shallow conversations. What I hate most are pseudo intellectual discussions. Oh puh leese. Those people should get a life. If you can't charm a person with wit, for godsake, stop faking it la! I rather talk about the weather and fashion or movies or some genuine topic of interest instead of some feigned knowledge about current affairs, etc.

Sorry, that was quite irrelevant. Anyway, I digress.

So where's the Curtin Uni life as mentioned in those glossy promotional brochures?
How come Cornell has ppl kayaking on calm rivers, people camping in the campus and sleeping on soft grasses gazing at stars and interesting projects with the whole student community participating in it?

For you Ric

2005-05-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

Okies. My first attempt to please a reader who happens to be a close friend of mine of course. He's coming to have a peek at my blog, something that no one has done for a long time. So must have big welcome. The honour is mine, Ric. Read at your own risk.

And oh,this entry's dedicated solely to you.

To the virtual world out there, Ric is a friend who hates sending me home all the way to the ulu Tmn Melawati,holds excellent crapping sessions in a mamak and makes me laugh when I cry. I mean literally.

Cheers to our friendship, Ric!

Mouse

PS-I'll add in a photo when I have time. Probably dig something out frm the Hall of Don't-Know Shame.

2005-05-16T12:03:00.000-07:00

Some people are so brave. When life showers them with lemons, they make lemonade. These people never fail to see the brighter side of things. Bad things. Horrible mistakes. Unexpected regrets.

As for me, I'm always afraid. Afraid to trudge into the unknown. To really comprehend life and its obstacles. I'd rather live a worry free life than a life of surprises. I know how much I rave about getting high on life and that we should live it passionately, but apparently when I searched the deepest depths of my heart, I'm actually quite afraid.

Afraid of what you ask.

Afraid to discover truths that I don't want to know about myself.

Afraid of hard work and ways to work around the problem. I'm always looking for shortcuts.

Afraid of standing up and defending myself.

Afraid of letting go.

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Unfortunately, when the going gets tough, I'd run away. I'd find a place to hide and stay there for ages.

Afraid of loving and trusting too much.

Life is a constant struggle. Would fear get the better of me? Would I let it?

2005-05-16T11:49:00.000-07:00

What happens if I don't pass my graduate portfolio. Nor my other two FTV units for that matter.

Another tormented semester in Perth.

Nightmare in LUCT.

Unable to move on in life, still a freaking undergraduate.

Lots of heartaches ensue.

Financial constraints.

Dad making a firm resolution never to trust me anymore (I had to assure him that everything's going well so that he doesn't worry.)

I hang my head low and call myself a loser.

It proves that Blair's right after all. I'm just not good enough.

Bruised ego. Friends and acquaintances undermine my capabilities and intelligence. After all, how hard is it to just graduate?

Bitter about the world. Judgemental towards other graduates.

Host a self pity party.

My sentences would then often start with, "If only..."

Mediocrity would rule in my life. Never again would I aim for the stars because I know, I'd always get only a handful of mud.

2005-05-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should have taken up the Advertising Degree offered by the Business School instead of Creative Advertising by the Curtin School of Design. What made me thought that I was creative enough to handle the assignments given?

Sigh. It's now a little too late to regret ,isn't it? 4 more weeks to portfolio deadline. Wow wee. Call me after that to see whether I'm still alive.

Ciao!

Sunday-vivid Sunday

2005-05-15T11:41:00.000-07:00

Pictures for this post will have to come later but let me just give you a brief summary of my day. I had my talent confirmed to meet me at 12pm, at the entrance of Woolworths supermarket. My talent is a small kid and obviously,his parents have to accompany him. Besides, I don't think his family is able to accept the fact that a stranger wants to photograph their kid. Who knows, I might turn out to be an agent for child prostitution or something. Haha.

Hours before the clock striked 12, my stomach was in knots. You must be wondering why is it me who's jittery and not the kid? After all, I'm the photographer, not the model itself. You see, I haven't met the kid before and that kid isn't some relative nor a friend of mine. What if he screams out abuse when I patiently coax him to get into the pose I want? There're many chances for screw ups to happen. What if the manager decided to disallow me taking photographs? After all, he didn't know that I'm going to have to set up a tripod and thus blocking the aisle. What if customers complain and make a fuss out of the whole ordeal? What if the parents are unco-operative people and shun me for 'disrepecting' their kid? Urgh.
I was jittery through out. I couldn't sit or stand properly. My forehead was sweating profusely despite the chilly weather. Even Min's tempting offer of sushi wasn't enough to take my mind of it. Worse still, Marie called up and say she might be a little late so I'd just have to meet the kid and his family myself. WHAT?!?!

In the end,I spotted the family. They turned out to be really nice people, except for the kids. Haha. The husband(Marie's boss)is from China so he spoke halting English while his wife,is an Anglo Burmese,and she speaks excellent English. She was also very friendly and soft spoken. Woo hoo..but the downpart was, the children has no idea that they were supposed to be photographed. It was their parents who gave permission to photograph them,not themselves! Haha.What a joke.

The older boy(maybe about 6 or 7?)was so shy that he was adamant that he want no part in the photoshoot. OMG! What am I to do? However,Rita,his mother was really nice and tried to coax him out of his shyness. But this small brat was quite firm and hid behind his father's tall frame. Gah.

Then Rita asked me whether would her younger daughter be fine. She is this really cute girl(maybe about 2-3 yrs?),dressed in pink all over. Well,obviously she was too young to express herself verbally but she too hid behind her mother's skirts. Rita was not about to give up and found a way to get her into action. Smart woman she is. You see, my advertising layout requires a screaming kid,throwing a tantrum in a supermarket. So she took her daughter around the supermarket to find out what she wants. The daughter took an instant liking over some pink torchlight. So her mum brought her back to the 'scene of action'. I'd just have to make do with that I have. Andrew helped me to set up the tripod and Min was helping out as well. Even though it wasn't really the angle that I wanted, I had to stick to contigency measures. So Rita started taking away the torchlight from her daughter. She dangled into the air while her daughter pines piteously and innocently over the toy. And then, I got a better idea. I got Min to 'steal' the toy away from her mother's hands and the girl started to wail. Perfecto! In the end, with different angles,exposure measurements and length of zoom combined, I took 18 shots of that scene itself. In the end, to thank the kids, I gave them each a chocolate bar.

I was so thankful for Rita for help. She was amazingly nice to lend us her kids and not only that, tried to make her daughter cry so that I can get the expression that I want!

I got the film roll developed, and out of the 18 shots, I think there were 3-4 really nice ones. Aiyo..what do you expect? That's why photography is so expensive!!

My gratitude goes out to Rita and her husband and her kids of course, Marie who first helped me to find 'the kids',Andrew who never failed to be my unpaid production assistant(he has to carry the tripod and other equipments),Min who accompanied me to do the shoot despite time and sleep constraints...and the customers of Woolies who cheered on while we took the shoot. They also waited for me to finish taking the photographs before they walked past the aisle!

Photos later la,hoh.

Photos from the yester-days....

2005-05-15T07:19:00.000-07:00

Alrightey. I'm back to exploitating Andrew's digital camera for my own selfish needs. Vanity needs of course. Before, I wasn't too keen in bringing his camera out because the rechargable NiMh batteries always die on me. And it takes so goddammn long to charge them as well. Out of desperation, I bought a pack of Energizer Lithium AA batteries(non rechargable ones)for temporary usage. It turned out that Energizer was true to its advertising claims after all. I've used the camera consecutively for a 3 days,with and without the LCD on,and the batteries are still going strong. Wow. I'm truly impressed.

Anyway,here are some photos which I took for the past few days, in no particular order.

Junie and Fidah at the legendary Taka's(cheap and excellent Japanese food).

Marie and myself,at Taka's as well.(Yes,that's Marie:Da Life Saviour)

Min and I,in SD, our favourite Bak Kut Teh restaurant in Perth. Unfortunately,we had something else for lunch that day.

Andrew doing shopping in Woolworths,Perth City.

The specials' bins at Woolworths,Perth City.Rather similar to Carrefour or Tesco in Msia,isn't it?

The Deli Section in Woolworths. You must be thinking how awfully jakun of me to be taking pictures in a supermarket. Andrew remarked that people stared at us as if we came from a land without huge supermarkets. Haha. Well,my photo shoot requires me to do some mock shoots before we do the proper takes so that I can predetermine the angles and exposure that I want.

There are a also another lot of photographs which was a result of today's photoshoot that I've yet to scan. But for your info Marie, it all went well. The colours were brilliant though the kid should have tilted her head up a little more. Will post it up when I've got time to scan and resize them. Until then,thank you very very much for your help,Marie!MUAKS!

How come..

2005-05-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

I've an extensive list of blog addresses under my favourites. Yes. I admit that I have no life and have to resort to reading juicy tidbits about other people's lives for my own pathetic entertainment. And there are many bloggers whom I've to come admired. Some for their personal and insightful entries, some for their intelligence and wit, some for their ability to turn words into masterpieces, some for their photography, some for their satirical points of views etc.

Sometimes, I chance upon similarities that myself and the blogger share,which is,the creative advertising field that we belong to. Sometimes these bloggers are professionals in the creative advertising world while the rest are students like me. And it is the students' entries that dampen my mood. No,this is not a personal attack on them. Infact,I'm glad that they're proud of their work and feel empowered whenever they receive good feedback from their advertising tutors. What follows then, is a good employment at a multinational ad agency(in Malaysia) and probably a stream of good income..etc.

The thing is,how come they got it so easy when we have to slave and sweat blood over here?How come they can get to multinationals when even the most talented of our batch is asked to review his career choice? That our portfolios would never be good enough to secure a call from an advertising agency? That every class experience is like walking on coals barefooted and a mental warfare?And that we'll never receive good marks nor even a favourable feedback despite the work looking real good?

I believe these bloggers work very hard to achieve the goals they had in mind but I think we do too. So why the advertising undergraduates of Curtin Uni are not reaping the efforts of our hardwork?Instead, all we got is more scolding,more insistence that our work will never be good enough,that we will always be the lowest of all lifeforms,that no creative directors in their right frame of mind would want to interview us,what more hire us.

Is there a huge difference between the education standards in Malaysia and in Perth? Maybe,but surely not that much. But there's just so many of us now,after our experience,just switched courses and never turn back. Like me, these people have lost an incredibly amount of confidence and faith in themselves. And these are the people who would later in life, turn out to be jaded and cynical. They would scoff at the creative world,openly saying that they want no part of it yet in them,they thought maybe things might be different if only they didn't give up.

I really hope I don't end up like that.

What a piece of luck...

2005-05-13T21:34:00.000-07:00

One of the down spots of having to do Advertising Practice 392 unit is that we have to seek for talents or rather models to photograph to fit the layouts that we've designed. Take for example, my Electrolley campaign (it promotes online grocery shopping)requires a young kid throwing a tantrum and his mum,a disabled person (whether in wheelchair or in crutches)and a long que in a supermarket. And this is a solo project,not even a group work. So, while the rest are not that hard, tell me how the hell am I supposed to find a kid and a mum? This is not KL. I do not have friends or relatives who incidentally have a small kid and a mum for me to borrow for the photo shoot. My friend suggested that I should just hang around Woolworths(one of the greater supermarket chains here)and try spotting a kid. If it fits my layout, just drag them and get them to model for me. Aiyo! You want me to die is it?

Anyway, I asked good old Marie for help and what do you know....A person with good contacts and resources(not to mention efficient as well)like her did not fail me. As always. Hehe. Yup. She asked her boss(she's working in a Jap restaurant)whether would he mind sparing his kids for a short photo shoot and he said he didn't mind at all. Yay!!!! Thanks MAREEEE,my life saviour. Will bring treat you after everything's over. Free accomodation and transportation if you ever find a need to visit KL.

Now that I've got that one settled, I can finally give a huge sigh of relief. Carol agreed to be my 'disabled' person because she recently met with an accident and has to move around with crutches.

Lusting after shoes

2005-05-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

Andrew can never understand a women's(or rather my) fascination at shoes and bags. He snorts in reply whenever I educate him 101 things he should know about women(me) and that our(my) affections extend further than just loving our partners. A shoe is a shoe,he says. Likewise, a bag is a bag. How can I spend the rest of my savings on accumulating the both to large quantities when having one would perform the same function as the rest. Let me just concentrate on shoes now.

See, a Nike Air is different from a pair of Chuck Taylors. A pink Mary Janes is different from a white heeled stilleto. Etc etc. Therefore, you cannot expect your sport shoes to perform the same function as your flip flops. There's a time and day to wear them. You've got to admit that there is some logic behind that rationale,don't you think? Theory of one fits all doesn't apply here at all.

However, I've to admit that the fascination can get a little dangerous especially when it leads to exposing your purse to the cash register or getting your ATM card swiped by the eftpos machine. I must learn to combat those feminine urges but how so when I happen to walk past a row of pretty shoes, all calling out desperately to me?

Wanderlust and Zomp are two extremely dangerous shops to be at. You'd get so swamped with all those colours,styles and patterns that dazzle around you that you can't get out of the shop without making the owners of the shop happy.
First, there's cravings. Then, the need for the shoes. And if you don't get them,the next few days, you'd find yourself lusting over them in your dreams. The math is that simple.

Sigh. So you see, I'm 45 dollars poorer after coming out of Zomp with a comfortable black pair of Andrea Bianis. However, the horror didn't stop there. I walked passed Wanderlust and saw a pair of canvas slip ons(imagine Mary Janes without the buckle)going for 35AUD. It was available in both lime green and bashful pink. It was initially priced at 110AUD. So you see,my heart beat a little faster. Now my head's in the clouds. I can't dream of anything else but THOSE.

Argh. Somebody help me. Talk some sense into me,please!

PS-Yes,I'm a victim of consumerism and a sucker to points of sale promotions.

Stumped

2005-05-13T10:08:00.000-07:00

I envy those who knows what they want. From young, they harbour dreams to become 'someone' and then they work progressively towards it. Like many singers, they first sang at some local community competitions, they win, they move on to bigger stuff and at the end of the day, they find stardom. Same goes for writers, comedians, other performing artists, visual artists,musicians etc. Of course, there'd be one or two out there who didn't follow this formulaic path to success but mainly, this is how the way it works.

My point here isn't about going green about these successful people achieving their dreams. I only envy them because they know exactly what they want and they go for it. While the rest of us either do not care or just simply do not know what we want. Sometimes we think this is what I want to be, we get so passionate about it and once we're doing it, the passion dissipates and we're at lost at why we started out in the first place. Sounds familiar?

I've been through this phase countless of times. When I was young, I wanted to be an illustrator. Then I thought I liked words better, and I wanted to be an author. Soon I realised that being author means churning out stories whether or not you're fueled by inspiration. So I abadoned the thought and meditated on the fact that maybe a journalist would be easier. But Hollywood spoils my lofty ideals of being a journalist. A journalist is now seen as a paparazzi or in layman terms :PAT KUA. Besides,getting up and about for stories at 3 am wasn't my idea of a profession. Maybe a feature writer would be good. Or what about a travel writer? Or a director? A content producer..wait a minute, a copywriter don't need to write that much. They don't need to stalk people down for stories at ungodly hours of the day. They don't need to write more than a certain amount of words. You only need good communication skills and probably words as your weapons of persuasion.How was I to know that my visions were incredibly flawed. And here I am, 3 weeks away from graduating with a Mass Communications degree,with Creative Advertising and Film and TV majors, and I STILL DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO.

fervent wish

2005-05-12T10:30:00.000-07:00

Times have changed. 6 years ago, I would give anything to own an SLR camera. I would cry and plead my dad to buy me one. I told him life would be quite meaningless without having a camera to express my thoughts and to show my friends,my world. I regaled him with stories of photographers who hit stardom with their visuals. None he believed of course. I wasn't ready to give up. Since my heart is still set into getting one, I emptied my savings plus a couple of hundreds from my ang pau to get it. I didn't tell my dad after I bought it. He scolded me for 3 days but I didn't care because I've already bought it, and unlike the Australian system, I can't return it.

Now, I'm ready to upgrade into a digital SLR. Buying films are such a pain. Taking photographs and experimenting the technical capabilities of a camera without seing instantaneous results truly test my patience. Besides, the cost of it all is not worth the time and effort put into exploring photography. And scanning images is so time consuming.

Do you think my daddy would get me one if I ask him nicely?

3 weeks more..

2005-05-12T05:16:00.000-07:00

These days, I can't help but to look forward to the end of the semester. My head always soars high into the skies, each time I think about the end of all torture. Each time,I create situations where I see myself packing up and the stepping out into the humid KL city, my body would send esctatic jolts up my spine.

However, end of the semester also mark the deadlines of my submissions. Would I be able to make it through, alive?

This semester is one of the longest yet that I've got to endure.
Please end it soon for me. Please.

Trauma

2005-05-11T09:31:00.000-07:00

How can a person experience such drastic mood swings within a day? No, I'm not having PMS. It's dodgy to feel so high at one moment and very low next. Actually I'm not entirely sure how to categorise this feeling. I wouldn't call it depressing. No. It isn't sadness either. It's a mixture of alientation and the experience of being lost. It's as if nothing in the world makes sense anymore. Well, at least not to me. I'm seeing the world from a newborn baby all of a sudden. Note I said newborn baby, and not a child. A child may see the world differently and is eager to learn. But I'm here, dumbfounded with this huge vacuum in my head. I don't understand what I'm perceiving and my head's spinning with a thousand of questions which I couldn't comprehend.

I don't know why my brain is in spasms. Unable to think coherently.
Suddenly,I realised,routines are there for you to follow,to make you sane. Now, I'm off routine. I'm no longer walking the path that I'm supposed to walk. And it's dark out here.

My emotions smell raw. There's something in me, as if wanting to break free. I feel like tearing my hair out.

This is all very,very dodgy. Me thinks me need sleep. Might not go to class tomorrow.
I'm down with mental illness.

Photo play

2005-05-11T05:23:00.000-07:00

(Had my SLR Nikon F55 mounted on a tripod,blue filter and the timer on. Unfortunately Min,I forgot all about refocussing and hence, your wall of pictures seem sharper than our faces! Blah.)

(Don't laugh Min. However I've got to admit that you're right. What's the manual for if I'm not going to read it. Yes, only after 5 years of owning an SLR,I've come to realise the function of multiple exposure offered by my camera. What? No,I didn't fail my photography units. Paul didn't get us to explore that function mah. Not my fault also.)

(Aiyah. Long time never touch my camera mah. Had extra Fuji 100 coloured films somemore. So I thought I'd might as well take something as interesting as the flats in front of me. And also, testing out the 5 dollar blue filter I got from Plaza Digital. Jealous is it? :P )